TOUR

St Louis
Oklahoma City
El Paso
Tucson
Phoenix
San Diego
Los Angeles
Riverside
Fresno
Las Vegas
Denver
Lawrence
Indianapolis
Columbus
Pittsburgh
Durham
Richmond
Baltimore
Philadelphia
Jersey
Manhattan
UCONN
Boston
Portland, ME
Montreal
Toronto
East Lansing
Ann Arbor
Chicago
Madison
Minneapolis
Winnipeg
Edmonton
Calgary
Vancouver
Seattle
Portland
Pocatello
Sioux Falls
Omaha
Iowa City
Memphis
Dallas
Austin
Houston
New Orleans
Tallahassee
Gainesville
Tampa
Miami
Jacksonville
Athens
Atlanta
Nashville
Champaign

I never understood teeth whitening.
Why do they need to be white?
I decided I want mine to be blue.
So I ate nothing but the blue raspberry flavor of Fun Dip for three days straight.
I lost 45 pounds, went to the hospital, and the worst part is,
My teeth didn't even end up blue like I wanted.
They were more of a cerulean; I was looking for more of a royal blue,
AND THAT JUST DIDN'T WORK FOR ME!
That's not the most exciting part though:
The most exciting part is that,
None of that actually happened.
I'll bet none of you believe that though, since I'm such a skinny motherfucker.