Channel Paul News

2012-01-11T20:23:00.000-08:00

It's interesting that people tell me what to do. It's actually pretty insane for me to listen to any advice on how to live my life, given who I am. I am one of the most thoughtful, introspective, and sensible people I know. There, I said it. And all anyone does when they try to tell me how to live my life-- is tell me what they would be doing with my life if they were in my show. And in the process, they expose the flaws of their approaches toward living their own lives.

It's quite educational, really. I get to learn how their perspectives on how to live differ from mine, and therefore, I get to learn the attributes of their respective personal philosophies that I don't like.

Someone is trying to tell me to live my life working a depressing but high-paying job, resulting in a static, dull lifestyle in which the only glitter is gold-- money, that is. Someone else is trying to tell me to go after a million beautiful experiences, and grab whatever I want when I want it, yielding an ever-changing lifestyle.

Neither of these options suits me. The former of the two I mentioned is unappealing for reasons that should be pretty clear. Happiness does not depend on money. The happiest people on earth are not rich. Rich people get spoiled, expect way too much from the world, and complain about everything, depressed.

The latter option fails me because I can't live my life asking for everything. Happiness does not come from the number of experiences you have or from the extravagance of the experiences you have. You can travel the world, go to parties, go on roller coasters, attend concerts, and go on safaris, and still be dissatisfied with your life. There is no limit to the insatiable nature of people. How do you think people in bumfuck nowhere stay happy? By making the most of it, and by having a will to enjoy what you have.

My purpose in life is to help people. My purpose in life isn't to take and take and take from life, and to continue to ask it for more. I realize that I only have one life, but as a male, I seek simplicity. All I want to do is find something, or several things, that I can consistently work on throughout my life that helps others. I thought that becoming an engineer or a mapmaker would satisfy that desire. Making music does, too. I'm also going to make Youtube videos, and I have ideas for a board game...I have all sorts of things that I can contribute, and that's what I focus on. I don't focus on what I want to take. I focus on what I want to give. Life is one big decision of what you want to give to the world. I'm here to help. I want to create inspiration in other people's life, and though I will need at least some intake of inspiration to generate something productive, that's not the main goal. My main goal is to make a difference, not be the one for which someone else makes a difference, though I welcome that. It's just not my main objective, or what I set my sights on. If all I wanted in life was to be the recipient of others' contributions, I would be a strictly selfish person, and I would hate myself.

My purpose is to be a creator. That's the way I look at my life. Therefore, my life is a quest for appreciation for the good things I create and bring to the world, whether they are big projects or everyday deeds. And if you're not going to appreciate what I give to you, I will not want to have anything to do with you. There are people out there who will appreciate the good things that I do, and I know that. My life is also a quest to find those people, who will accept me for who I am and be supportive of what I create. I've reached a point in my life at which I have realized that I need to dump some people at the side of the road because they bring me down and don't even attempt to support me. If there were positives to balance out the negatives and result in a net gain, it would be different. But I'm cutting off the people who are overwhelmingly negative, because I'm a good person, god damnit.

I have the best intentions out of almost anyone I know. I want nothing but good things for people, and I want positive actions to be rewarded. People would see my generosity much more clearly if I had anything to give. My task now is to make myself and everyone around me believe I have a lot to give, and to execute that giving. When I give back to the world, people will see the physical manifestation of my generosity, at which point my generosity will be undeniable. People will see how willing I am to give to them, because the only way to make them see that is to actually give to them. So here we go. We are entering the age of Paul making a positive difference in the world. A very positive difference. I hope you're looking forward to it, because I am. I'm looking forward to living a life that I can smile at as I look back on it. I'm looking forward to being happy with who I am as a person, because as I prove to everyone else how good of a person I am, I will be also proving it to myself.

And if you are willing to stick with me and see where this goes, I want to thank you. I appreciate you being there in my life still, even after the past few months of being a lifeless shell. I assure you all that things are on the upswing, and if you were able to put up with my dumb ass for the past semester, I'd like to reward you by showing you some improvement. A lot of improvement. And by having some fun. Thanks guys.

January 2012

2012-01-10T01:38:00.000-08:00

Well look who it is, it's me. It's a new year now, and with a new year comes resolutions, as is typical. Yet some people need such resolutions more than others. I need them more than others.

I've essentially been dead for the past three months, with dreams crashing and burning, my purpose of life in need of questioning, and my path ahead in need of definition. I'm so tired that my head is beginning to experience pain, but I have to write things out.

I'm a recovering mope-a-holic going through the lengthy process of breaking my addiction and simultaneously adjusting to my redefined world. As I'm putting the pieces back together, my girlfriend is drifting away, having noticed the instability of being in my world. I don't know who my friends are, though I'm rediscovering that. I don't know where I'll end up after I graduate college in 4 months, but I know it can't be with my family, who tells me I suck. Nothing I do will please them, so I'm leaving them behind for my own sanity. I don't care if I'm talking to Jesus Christ; if he tells me I suck just for being human (which actually, he does just that), I'm getting away from him.

I'm not entirely sure who I am anymore, but I'm redefining myself. I'm also regaining the ability to confide in myself. I wasn't aware of any reason I should be happy about who I am, but I'm looking for reasons to give myself praise. I had suicidal thoughts every day for a week a couple weeks ago, so I can't go back home for my own health. My mother is making threats toward me, my father is making threats toward my mother, and my brother thinks it's okay to be as much of an asshole as my mom is, because he's not old enough to be that independent yet, evidently. Then again, I wasn't mature enough to cut off the last remaining thread attaching me to my family, of need for their support. That was a big mistake.

And for a significant period of time, I had actually surpassed needing their support. But I became weak and empty, and I thought maybe they could be the ones to fill me back up again. I have no fucking idea what I was thinking with that one.

Things are on the upswing, now, though. I'm starting to realize my own strengths again. I'm starting two new video series on Youtube. I'm writing music and making my way toward manifesting it in the real world with an album. I'm getting into running routinely. I'm nullifying negative influences. And as I realize my own strengths, I'm realizing that everyone around me isn't to be looked up to, after all; as I grow larger, the things around me appear smaller.

I'm also seeing the following lesson be repeated everywhere around me: thinking that you know more than everyone is exactly what makes you a fucking idiot.

I can't wait to get my new life started. But for now, I need to make a short list of the places I want to go. Portland, Oregon, is definitely on that list. And probably Mobile, Alabama, just because one of my closest high school friends is there now.

One of my Youtube series is going to be a weekly show reintroducing people to math in ways that are easily accessible to people who aren't geniuses-- so everybody, pretty much. I am a great educator, because I really try to learn what level people are on, and I really try to teach it in a way that reflects how people's minds work. Through doing this, I can restore my faith in my ability to understand how people work. My other Youtube series will also help accomplish this.

I've got this, people. Fuckin watch out.

P.S. To those who may think I'm too polite, and don't demand what it is I want: Maybe I'm trying to be flexible and accommodating to make you happy. Maybe asking for too much is irritating to the people around you. Maybe life isn't based on making sure you ask all you want from it, but on your ability to adapt to any situation and make it enjoyable by personalizing the experience. Or maybe it's a balance between the two. But if you find yourself demanding something as petty as how I use words, or how fast I eat, then shut the fuck up and worry about something worthwhile. Don't talk to me about petty shit like that when there are starving children in Africa who really have something to talk about. And don't take these petty things seriously to the point at which you value your knowledge of how to handle them in a way that leads you to condescend toward those who don't know how to handle it. Yes, I can change lanes in my car just fine, and quickly enough, too. People in Africa can't even have cars. Don't scoff at me like you're better at it. I should be scoffing at you, for I have a much more valuable skill: how to not be a whiner.

2011-10-19T00:50:00.000-07:00

My mom sent me this email:
"In June, 2011, Philadelphia was named the 2nd most Dirtiest City in America by Travel and Leisure's readership, for a variety of ways, including litter, air pollution, and taste of local tap water.

In 2006, Philadelphia's homicide rate of 27.7 per 100,000 people was the highest of the country's 10 most populous cities."

What does this accomplish? Is she trying to scare me away from doing what I'm obviously going to do?

I was about to reply, "well, the homicide rate of my town is going to rise if I don't get to be with my lover right soon."

2011-09-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

Today I drove away from the greatest source of light shining into my life and giving me energy, as I drove away from the sun which was in the process of setting behind me. The symbolism was so easily conceived that a mediocre fiction writer could have written it, but it was very real. As most think of the sun as the greatest source of light in the physical realm, she is the one who best fits that title in my eyes. When I first pulled away from the airport where I left her today, I regarded it as just another departure, having been our fifth. And while I seem to be getting used to the repeated stiflings of our times together, I also am getting used to the feelings of sudden emptiness and disdain which summon moisture into my eyes after each time this occurs. Another departure, another day of feeling like crying. It's just part of the process.

She suggested that I shouldn't feel bad because we have departed from each other many times now. This is our lives; this is what we do. But the crying and heartbreak doesn't come from naivete with regard to these situations. It doesn't matter how many times this happens or how much practice I have had dealing with it. I'm still going to feel like crying because a large part of my personal foundation is being taken from me. Something is being lost.

The one difference that did occur today was that I kept on moving. Tears welled up in my eyes but I was not debilitated. I got right back in the car, eyes glossed over, and kept moving. I am getting better at dealing with it, but the emotions of heartbreak and emptiness aren't things that subside with time.

The day everything went wrong

2011-07-20T08:00:00.001-07:00

1. If the car is in need of gas, the gas gauge flashes. I get in the car to see that the gas gauge is one unit above empty, but there is no flashing. Usually the gauge doesn't flash at me until there's about a gallon of gas left, which, in my Toyota Prius, allows me about another 49 miles of driving. Well, I thought I had enough gas to get to work, but the gas gauge didn't flash until I had only 22 miles to go. The fucking thing didn't alert me when it was supposed to. So I had to get gas on the way to work, wasting my valuable commute time.
2. My commute time was extra-valuable today, because there was an accident on the Interstate, slowing up traffic. Traffic was so slow that I exited the highway and took a side road for about 4 miles.
3. I wanted to know what was going on, so I turned on the AM radio. There are two stations I listen to that give a traffic report every ten minutes; one delivers the traffic report at every minute ending in "8," and the other advertises that their traffic report comes at every minute ending in "7" but is unreliable and usually delivers their traffic report on the "8's" or even "9's." I happened to get on the expressway at 7:19, meaning I had to wait the maximum amount of minutes to get to the next traffic report. It's like arriving at a bus stop when the bus just left, and having to wait for the next one.
4. When the traffic report finally came on nine minutes later, THEY FORGOT TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT MY HIGHWAY...when there was an ACCIDENT BLOCKING THE ROADWAY! 5. When I turned to the other station, THEY had just got done giving their traffic report too. DONT ADVERTISE THAT YOUR STATION'S TRAFFIC REPORT COMES BEFORE THE OTHER ONE IF THEY PLAY AT THE SAME TIME. YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE. What do you expect from a radio station that follows the Cubs?
6. Traffic was shitty the rest of the way to work, even past the accident. I got to work only 5 minutes before 8...usually I'm there at 7:40.
7. I was instructed to take a company car out and supervise the construction of sidewalks. As soon as I do, I get to a railroad crossing that is blocked by a train... a STATIONARY train. The train stopped across the crossing.
8. As I sit at the train tracks, I realize that THIS CAR IS ALSO OUT OF GAS. I had to turn back.
9. The co-worker supervising me said to come in an hour earlier to work the next morning. This is just one minor detail contributing to my stress load. I DO NOT function in the morning.
10. The temperature peaked at 99 degrees. JUST CALL IT A HUNDRED. It was already 92 degrees by 11 AM...and was in the mid-90s or higher all afternoon. BRB DYING
11. I got held up by a flock of stupid geese walking across the road.
12. At lunch, the girl wrapping my burrito broke the tortilla. She called out "I need another tortilla" so she could fix the problem by wrapping it again. The guy at the beginning of the line fumbles through the cabinet and pulls out a new package of tortillas and finally hands her one. She tries wrapping it again and fucks that up, too. The guy standing next to her says, "here, let me do it," failing to recognize that both tortillas are now torn; thus, he would be giving me a broken burrito no matter what he does. I gave up. "It's fine. I don't care. I'll take it."
13. Leaving the burrito establishment, I arrive at a traffic light at a very busy intersection which has lost power and was flashing red. It was treated like a four-way stop sign. As soon as I passed through the backed-up intersection, the light turned back on again.
14. I get home and try to talk to the love of my life on skype, and the internet dies out.
15. My mom starts yapping to me about how my girlfriend jokingly said "I hate you" to me, saying that "hate" is a strong word. This came from the woman who taught me every swear word in the fucking book by yelling at all of us. Did she mean any malice behind it? No? Then shut the fuck up.
16. I told her she was being unreasonable and she made some unreasonable remark under her breath about taking back the plane tickets that were purchased to go see her in August. That's about the worst threat she could make. I knew that she was only saying it to make herself feel like she was in a position of power--she likes to feel that way. And it didn't make any sense, because I paid her for those. But nothing fucking comes between me and my baby.
17. I got in the car after lunch and felt a tickle on the left side of my neck. I go to scratch it or touch whatever it may be...it was a bee. I squished it between my fingers as a quick reflex and was amazed I didn't get stung.
18. The contractor is easily miffed, and whenever my supervisor brings up an additional specification or detail that needs to be taken care of, he kind of snorts in disgust. This leads to arguments.
19. Many of my methods and ideas were discarded today in favor of someone else's. The difference is that I am capable of empathy and understanding that other people don't like their time and effort wasted, just like my time and effort was wasted when my work was discarded in favor of his. I want to communicate clearly and completely, and recognize that the people working for me want to work comfortably efficiently without wasting too much of their time. Yes we're providing a service for the taxpayers, but we need to be accommodating to the workers as well, especially when it's this unbearably fucking hot.
20. I was so infuriated that I had to exert a force on something. When a lot of force is exerted on something, a lot of the energy is converted to sound. That's what happened when I slammed the door to my bedroom. My mom came out and complained that it's not fair to her. That was true. Give me something else to take this out on. I walked around the neighborhood for 80 minutes and tried to calm down. It helped but not completely. Talking to my baby helped though...<3

I don't know what the fuck I did to deserve all of this to happen to me at once. But I'd appreciate it if, if mother nature had a problem with me, she'd address it with me and I could fix it, instead of getting this kind of revenge on me. If I deserved this, I'd like to know why. This is bullshit.

2011-06-12T16:52:00.000-07:00

Love is real. I know because I have discovered it firsthand.

In order to experience love, you must achieve the following objectives:
1. Be in touch with your emotions
2. Realize that your purpose on life is to improve the world around you
3. Know what to look for and what criteria are important
4. Know what criteria are NOT important and should be ignored altogether
5. Have an ideology that is well-developed enough to converge with other well-developed ideologies
6. Don't be self-centered
7. Be open-minded

2011-04-09T19:43:00.000-07:00

Fired
Rockin the Suburbs
Time
Army
Sentimental Guy
Your Dogs
Selfless, Cold, and Composed
Brick

^Songs by Ben Folds that I play on piano

2011-02-14T12:08:00.001-08:00

I hate Valentine's Day.

It's a lose-lose-lose situation.

Let me explain

You are either:
1. Single
2. Taken but not totally confident in your relationship
3. Taken and confident that what you have will last.

1. If you are single, you feel left out. And that sucks.
2. If you are taken and not confident in your relationship, you will try to woo her with some material objects you bought with your material money. But it doesn't really make sense to state something immaterial with material generic stuff. It costs you money that you otherwise wouldn't spend, and it doesn't really make sense anyway.
3. If you are taken and confident in your relationship, you reaffirm your connection with her every day, and you don't need one special day a year to do so. You should be showing you that you care every day. This day should be no more special. And if you know this, Valentine's Day is pointless and useless.

I also hate it when people discuss how terrible an exam was right after they walk out of said terrible exam. It's going to be painful enough when I get the grade back. Don't drag out the pain by slowly revealing to me all the things I did wrong, so that I feel worse and worse the more we talk about it.

I'm finding, now, that when I fail at something, or I endure some form of hardship that would typically get me down, I find myself thinking, "at least I found love. And no matter what happens, I'm going to be with her. So nothing is ever all bad."

TOUR

2011-01-29T13:09:00.000-08:00

St Louis
Oklahoma City
El Paso
Tucson
Phoenix
San Diego
Los Angeles
Riverside
Fresno
Las Vegas
Denver
Lawrence
Indianapolis
Columbus
Pittsburgh
Durham
Richmond
Baltimore
Philadelphia
Jersey
Manhattan
UCONN
Boston
Portland, ME
Montreal
Toronto
East Lansing
Ann Arbor
Chicago
Madison
Minneapolis
Winnipeg
Edmonton
Calgary
Vancouver
Seattle
Portland
Pocatello
Sioux Falls
Omaha
Iowa City
Memphis
Dallas
Austin
Houston
New Orleans
Tallahassee
Gainesville
Tampa
Miami
Jacksonville
Athens
Atlanta
Nashville
Champaign

2011-01-04T09:47:00.000-08:00

I never understood teeth whitening.
Why do they need to be white?
I decided I want mine to be blue.
So I ate nothing but the blue raspberry flavor of Fun Dip for three days straight.
I lost 45 pounds, went to the hospital, and the worst part is,
My teeth didn't even end up blue like I wanted.
They were more of a cerulean; I was looking for more of a royal blue,
AND THAT JUST DIDN'T WORK FOR ME!
That's not the most exciting part though:
The most exciting part is that,
None of that actually happened.
I'll bet none of you believe that though, since I'm such a skinny motherfucker.

Update

2010-12-22T22:01:00.000-08:00

I am announcing that I want to start getting back into Youtube videos to an extent. I want to make more thoughtful videos, partially because I've found that the vlog style of Youtube channel isn't working so well for me. I think so much that I feel like it would be a waste not to share much of it with other people.

This is why I love the internet. If you have something to say, you can use the internet as your voice, and millions of people will have access to it. If they like what you have to say, they can come back for more; if they don't, they can go do something else.

I am a person who pretty much always has something to say, and who definitely always has something on his mind. I plan on sharing these things, because it's not fair that, at this point, I'm the only one who gets to hear them. I'm not saying that everyone else will want to hear them, but I'm sure there is some small fraction of the populace who will care enough to listen. Why should I deprive them of what I have to say?

I hope you feel the same way I do. I hope you feel like you have something to bring to the table, and that you feel like there are things you can create that people will appreciate. Because there are. We all have different things we can share with the world that people will appreciate. If there wasn't, what would be the point?

All people have an underlying desire to be appreciated. We want to do something positive and know that we did. That's why the internet is ridden with people who are always trying to share this or that, from long well-crafted films posted on Youtube to mundane thoughts posted on twitter. I have a lot of thoughts to express, and I'm going to use Youtube to express them.

I'll have a channel where I express these thoughts, and a secondary channel that's more of a personal journal, a "vlog channel". I'll let you know how I set this up later.

P.S. I swear to GOD my dad snores louder than the noise made by household vacuum cleaners.

Currently listening to "Your Dogs" by Ben Folds (of course)

That's another thing--I'm in the midst of a massive Ben Folds phase. I usually get into musical artists in phases; I obsess over them one at a time. Previous obsessions include Jamiroquai, Flight of the Conchords, and Imogen. But this Ben Folds phase is by far the most potent. He's my favorite musical artist, hands down. I just went to one of his shows in Chicago a month and a half ago, and I'm contemplating going to his upcoming venue in Champaign on January 25. This indicates a much greater passion than I've had for any other musician, since I had never been to a rock show before that Chicago concert.

MY DAD STOPPED SNORING NOW'S MY CHANCE TO GET TO SLEEP BYE

Too Much to Bear

2010-12-20T00:03:00.000-08:00

Thank God or Nature or whoever the fuck was responsible. It's over.

More than anyone, I should be thanking myself for ending what has ended, but at the same time, I should be blaming myself for getting into this mess in the first place.

I am talking simultaneously about the relationship and the past academic semester. As with every major mistake I make, I treat these two components comprising the past semester as learning experiences. I learned never to date the paranoid. I learned to trust my own judgment, that I should never take anyone seriously who can't manage their own psyche. I learned that I should chill out in the presence of a lot of change in my life, and that I shouldn't create more drastic changes to add to the ensuing confusion. I learned that a relationship in which I am constantly scrambling to please the significant other to compensate for my inadequacies is a commitment for which I am either not prepared or for which no one should ever care. I learned that professors of higher-level classes are no more merciful than the ones I've faced previously. I learned that in order to become a professor in science or engineering, you must either be hell-bent on inflating your ego, or too intelligent in mathematical ways for any intelligence to be left in ways that would allow them to be able to communicate with other people effectively. I learned that I should have listened to myself in the first place. I learned that, when the people I doubted in the first place cause me harm, the people who I always thought I could trust will come back to me in the long run.

She told me I made her happy, and it meant nothing to me, because of the constant dissatisfaction she expressed otherwise. I explained this to one of my brother's friends, and he brought up the fact that about only ten percent of happiness is conveyed verbally. I don't think he realized how perfectly relevant that fact was to my situation. He was exactly right. You can't tell me "I love you," and then proceed to tell me twenty problems you have with our relationship, and bring up problem after problem you have with me. If you think of so many problems, I don't see how you can call anything "love." If I hear repeatedly, "this is wrong," "this is wrong," "this is wrong," then there's no love present.

Love is a feeling that skews people toward focusing on the good shared between two people. This is why first impressions are so important. I feel like love comes from luck in a lot of cases. If two random people are placed in each other's presence, they will have a certain amount in common. The odds that something they share in common is revealed right away is somewhat small. Now, the odds increase when there are more things they have in common to choose from, but in any case, these two people might have so much in common but can go through a whole conversation or party without mentioning a single commonality. On the other hand, they might happen to highlight a lot of the things they have in common, causing a spark that gets emitted when two people are already thinking about all of the wonderful things about each other. Love grows from that.

Now I don't know the opposite feeling so well, because I feel that it's no use thinking about it. This is the feeling when you think about all of the things you don't have in common with someone. It's when you think about the differences between you and someone else and the problems they cause. This can be seen as an opposite to what love is. This is the feeling that causes you to doubt your connection with someone. This is the feeling that tells you to sever the ties because you're just so different and dysfunctional together. This is what she felt for me, no matter how many times she said "I love you," and it's why it meant nothing to me when she said it. If you can't accept other people for their flaws, you'll never love.

If you take one mundane misunderstanding and manipulate it in your head until you feel like it's a sign of a much larger problem, then I'm not making you happy. It might not be my fault that you have these paranoia-driven episodes, but I'm still not making you happy. If I can't do that, I can't be content with a relationship, because you're creating anti-love by emphasizing how different and troubled we are. Your overwhelming dissatisfaction is telling you that the relationship is not a good idea, whether you want to accept it or not. I can see why some people would refuse to accept it, though, because they feel that way about everything in their life to different extents.

Some people aren't satisfied by anything, and she was one of them. I'd never satisfy her, and I knew that. Could I go on in a relationship knowing that I would never make the other person happy, even knowing that it was impossible? No. I can't. Because, like everyone else in the world, I need to be appreciated.

She needed to learn. She needed to change, and become able to accept the world for what it is. She didn't accept me for who I was, always telling me I needed to change everything about myself. I know she deserves to be happy, and I want her to be in the future. I could be more charitable and stand by her in her efforts to change and be better able to deal with the world. But am I that charitable? Do I have the effort, time, AND capacity to do that?

No.

I knew that, in making this decision, I was being selfish. But being in emotional shambles constantly was an indication that I needed an increase in my selfishness. I tried way too hard to please someone who I couldn't please, and that made me feel inadequate, thinking that she was like any special girl. Now that I realize that her standards aren't normal, I find that I am at least a mediocre human being, and not a constant failure.

It'll take me a while to bring myself back up to self-esteem. I'll know I'm back into the swing of things when I no longer feel like I'm lost, and I regain sight of who I am and what I want out of life. It's slowly coming back; I can tell, because I started drawing something in Google Sketchup out of curiosity. I always knew I was a creator of things, and I want to get back to creating things. I am now realizing that I abandoned my passion for creating things, because for all that time, I didn't feel like anything I created would be something worth creating. Now I'm starting to feel like what I can do will be worth it, if I just follow my instincts like I should have in the first place.

We meet again

2010-11-29T16:34:00.001-08:00

So now it's 2010. LATE in 2010. It's almost December, and it might as well be, as the school year is winding down. Reading through this, I find that I left off last New Year's, commenting on how demented and twisted 2009 was. I can't say that 2010 was much better.

I'm finding that the perceived quality of a given year in the life of Paul is largely based on the fun I had during its summer. Well this year, I had no summer. I spent the summer driving around in Rednecktopia, and while it's a 'topia for the Rednecks, it's the doldrums for me. Having just arrived back at school from Thanksgiving Break, I am realizing that my head is the clearest it's been in eight months, because I had no chance over the summer to clear my head. The Monday after the weekend in May when I moved out of school was the day I started my job working for the state department of transportation (DOT), and the weekend after the day I quit was the weekend I moved back down to college in August. My job title may as well have been "idiot," though my brain makes me capable of so much more.

With 2010 having largely passed, I find it safe to make concluding statements reflecting back on this year, and with that, I conclude that it was the most anxious year of my life. This year was nothing but a ride on a bullet train barreling through nature, arriving at the station wondering what the fuck the scenery looked like.

The anxiety came from five major sources, the first of which was the measly fact that I never fucking got a break to collect my thoughts until just this past week. I had literally no summer. I didn't even get a family vacation.

The extent of my travels was to New York City, the city of chaos itself, and the second reason for my labeling 2010 the year of anxiety. Fuck the nickname, "The City that Never Sleeps." All that means is that no one ever gets a break, and if no one gets a break, no one is ever happy, except maybe the people who make shitloads of money from always having to work so hard.

Third was finding my summer job so shitty that I actually doubted my major. During the process of getting my thoughts together this past week, I have come around and concluded that I was wrong to doubt it, but how was I supposed to react if I hated just about every living thing around me during the whole summer? I just learned that one thing's for sure. I don't care what my dad says; I am NOT getting a job in rural America. I am working in the city or the suburbs, and that's final. All my coworkers talked about were the terrible songs on the radio, their daughters' softball games, and pooping. One of the guys could have started a twitter account just to post updates on his bowel movements.

Fourth was getting the new apartment when I came back to college. I wasn't ready for that commitment yet, but you have to start sometime. It really wasn't that big of a deal compared to my fifth reason, but these last two reasons combined simultaneously to create a formidable duo.

The fifth, last and largest reason why my life has been so chaotic lately is my decision to launch myself into a relationship with someone I wasn't familiar with yet. Please note how I wrote the words "MY DECISION." It WAS my decision, though you're right, she was way more into me in the beginning. It was much too great of an opportunity to pass up, so I jumped on it. Unfortunately, the drastic change was so great that it took me over a month to get used to the idea of being in a relationship with her.

I told my mom about this inability to handle drastic changes, and she compared it to when she first moved in with who would become my father. She had a new place to live, a new partner, and a new job, all within the same month, and this made life hard to handle. It makes me wonder how hyperactive people like my girlfriend live their lives. Maybe they aren't hyperactive; they just didn't ever learn what it was like to chill out and become comfortable for a while. Either they didn't learn to, or they are less capable of chilling out and fully grasping where they are in their lives. I can't live WITHOUT that comfort; the lack of such comfort is what makes me anxious. And it's why I've BEEN anxious for the length of this semester.

My girlfriend and I are both dysfunctional in our own little individual ways, which I guess makes us compatible. I've noticed a fundamental difference between the ways in which we deal with ourselves, though. When I don't know how to deal with a social situation, I shut the fuck up, be respectful, and spend time thinking about what I can do to pitch into the conversation. She just blurts out whatever comes to mind, and half the time, it's discomforting or offensive. It makes me feel like she's inconsiderate.

That's the problem. I can't tell if she's even trying to be nice. She tells my brother he smells like tiger piss, declares she hates Dairy Queen while standing at the front counter of a Dairy Queen, and tells me I'm all sorts of things I'm not going to bring up. I'm going to talk to her about it right now.

There's been way too much going on that I don't like. I feel like my life is out of control. I'm starting to get it back though, and I'm going to make sure that nothing stops me from doing so. 2010, shut the fuck up. At least no one I know died this year.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

2010-01-01T16:08:00.000-08:00

TO MAKE 2010 HAVE LESS SUCK:

1. Be more blunt and honest to people.
2. Stop posting tweets to people in which the subject is ambiguous.
3. Make my breath not stink.
4. Do some basic calisthenics when I get up in the morning.
5. Stop being so selfish, only focusing on building up my future, and serve some life purpose in helping other people.

2009. What a Load of Bullshit

2010-01-01T01:08:00.000-08:00

Whether it comes to the news or personal experience, 2009 was a year of demented retarded bullshit: sick, twisted occurrences happening in place of what I felt should have been dreams coming true.
The media once again chooses to worry about stupid shit when important things are happening at the time.
A friend with conservative quiet roots manages to get knocked up.
Someone I considered my best friend makes a rash life decision without even telling me.
Some family decides to create a scene as if their kid is in a giant opaque (so you can't see inside) balloon when he really isn't, and has the media lie to thousands.
I learned that getting together with someone from the internet is probably not a good idea, when you learn that the person relies on the internet for social interaction almost entirely--because that signifies a PROBLEM.
And much, much more.
2009, suck my dick. 2010, you better not fuck up that bad.

2009-12-13T20:14:00.000-08:00

Oh god.
Oh god.
Mother Nature is fucking with me again.
Another scary coincidence.
Yet this one I can't share with just anyone.
It harps on dark secrets.
Yet, it is so bizarre that I have to share it somehow.
Curse you, fucking ambivalence.
I don't have time for this. I only need to be shut into myself for two more days. Two more days? Can I just have two more days to focus entirely on my personal situation? I'll start caring about other people after then, I promise! Please?
I do have to write it somewhere, though. Just not here.

2009-12-10T18:38:00.001-08:00

Guys, I fucked up in academia.
Really bad.
I have to get back to doing my best again.
I'll see you on December 16.

Winter break bucket list

2009-12-09T17:41:00.000-08:00

1. See all three other members of my quad from high school
2. See Jessica in person and have some arbitrary form of heartfelt conversation with her
3. Modify the words to the opening theme to "The Fresh Prince of Bel-air" so it applies to my own life, and recite it
4. Finish learning to play my version of "The Walk" by Imogen Heap on the piano
5. Travel to a state that does not border Illinois (cannot be Wisconsin, Iowa, Missouri, Kentucky, Indiana, or Michigan). (This one is the most ambitious)
6. Finish my drawing of "BlogTV Town"
7. Write a song for Jackie about mowing the lawn
8. Throw a snowball at a female (weather permitting)
9. Make a youtube video every Wednesday and release one each Thursday.
10. Organize and list every legitimately completed song I've written.
11. Make Japanese food.
12. Get a N64 controller and a copy of Super Smash Bros.

2009-11-28T00:08:00.000-08:00

Maybe I'm not gay. Maybe I'm just a nice person. Assholes.

There are a few people on the internet who thought I was gay at first. I'm trying to figure out why.
Maybe it's because I write "<3" to girls who give me the same sentiment.
Maybe it's because a lot of people on the internet I associate with are gay.
Maybe it's because I'm not a complete tool of a male.

Any ideas?

2009-11-27T23:41:00.000-08:00

I had a weird-ass dream last night revolving around a certain musician named Imogen Heap.

I found myself in a strange and very large and spacious building. The building had floors that were twenty feet high or taller, and the hallways all had open ceilings, like at a shopping mall or something. The rooms all had glass walls forming a plane of windows between the rooms and their adjacent hallways. Some of these rooms were offices of professors, so I was apparently at some educational institution for music. For some reason or another, I was required to work on a musical project to turn in to Ms. Heap, as were many other people in the building. I had a partner I worked with in a room on the second floor, but my partner refused to be cooperative. We had until the beginning of her performance in the great hall on the second floor to finish our projects, and time was quickly running out. After a while, I gave up working with this douchebag and I ran down stairs and up other stairs to get to the concert hall to see the performance. At this point is when I woke up.

Possible real-life origins of the elements of this dream:
1. A couple days ago (in reality) I was trying to figure out the notes to "The Walk" by Imogen Heap, and I found out that the song was actually in Eb minor, the most obscure and confusing key signature of all 24 major and minor key signatures, instead of F minor, in which I was trying to originally figure out the song. I found this immensely frustrating, just like the douchebag partner I had in my dream.
2. Imogen Heap was just in Chicago earlier this week, and I resented that I didn't make any effort to go to the performance.
3. "The Walk" has been stuck in my mind for the past few weeks.

If I were a Dog

2009-11-26T17:17:00.000-08:00

I'll TELL YOU how my fucking Thanksgiving went.

I live four separate lives right now. One is at college, one is at home, and one is with my high school friends, and one is on the internet. The one I live at home is a sick, twisted bastardization of what I expected it would be as a child. The few friends I had remained in contact with made wrong turns in their lives. This made me expect Thanksgiving at home to be awkward.

We had our family friends from across the street come to our house, since my relatives are people we don't keep in contact with. But I like it better this way anyway.

I expected it to be awkward, but it turned out all right. We laughed about our experiences in school, and everyone got along great, as we always do.

We finished dinner at about 5PM. We gave our three dogs a little bit of everything that was on the dining room table, because we love them and spoil them. After this, we were joking around when my dog Mophie (originally named "Sophie") started yowling in pain. We rushed over to the family room, where she lay moaning.

Both families gathered around her petting her and trying to comfort her. We scrambled to try and find out what was wrong, but about 40 seconds later I was comforted to find that she stopped grieving. Little did I know that I was supposed to be the one grieving at that point.

Her tongue hung out of her mouth.

She stopped breathing.

The two dads and I rolled her onto a beach blanket, and she was carried out.

My mom, an avid animal lover, took it the hardest by far.

It ruined the rest of out night. But I started thinking--if I were a dog, what would I want as the last thing I do before I die?
I would want food. GOOD food. Like a Thanksgiving dinner.
Well, that's exactly what happened. So I guess if she had to go, this was a good time for her to do it: right after eating a Thanksgiving meal.

RIP Mophie 11/26/09 5:12 PM

2009-11-25T22:30:00.000-08:00

They're there.
Everywhere I go.
The people who don't matter.
The people who both A) have no confidence in their own ability to judge what is socially acceptable or not, and B) don't know that the best thing is to just be accepting of people who are different, and that there are no criteria people have to fall in line with to be accepted. These are the people who follow. They don't feel like they know what's cool and what's not cool. And it's not because they're bad judges. It's because they don't know that they shouldn't be judges at all.

I was going to room with these guys I made friends with at school. I didn't really have many other friends other than them. So I clung to them. But as I clung and I hung out with them, I grew continually more wary. I was beginning to learn that they...were people who didn't matter.

Most of them were followers. But a couple of them were leaders, or rather, misleaders. Every exclusive clique has them--the people who make the judgments of who is acceptable or not, with their own sets of fictitious criteria upon which they evaluate outsiders.

In particular, this group had one ringleader, who so happens to be one of the most judgmental people I've ever met. He seemed to be confident in his idea of what was socially acceptable or not. This confidence was only stupidity, though, not only because of his high standards, but because he HAD ANY standards. When he set forth the name "Club 10" to our group, I should have known how exclusive he was based on the usage of the word "club." But now I get it.

Other than this ringleader, the others were all mostly followers. Since they didn't have any confidence in their own judgment of what is cool and uncool, they relied on the ringleader's judgment. It's not because they were assholes that they decided to be as exclusive as the ringleader. It was just because they were weaklings. Since they felt that they didn't have the capacity to judge people properly, they relied on Mr. Ringleader to do it for them. In fact, some of them are actually nice guys. But they're weak on the inside, so they listen to the ringleader.

I never thought that I would see behavior like this after junior high, but I sure do. In fact, it's horrendously common, and rampant even. It's ridiculous. There are so many people who just follow. They follow because they don't trust their own judgment about what's cool and what's uncool, and they don't realize that THEY SHOULDN'T EVEN BE CHOOSING TO EXCLUDE PEOPLE AT ALL. Some people say "don't judge me," but what they really mean is, "I know you're going to judge me, but don't hold a grudge against me based on any of your judgments." That's akin to racism, sexism, and other "isms" of the sort, even though it may be on a smaller scale. Don't hate people based on their character traits. Hate them based on their bad dispositions.

I think that maybe people follow others like this because THEY aren't socially aware enough themselves. They don't realize that they shouldn't be closing themselves off to people just because they're "uncool," because they're the very same people who do the same. They exclude people, and then wonder why other people won't talk to them for a certain trait they have. DON'T THEY REALIZE WHAT THEY'RE DOING?

This activity goes on on the internet too. There's a character, and he's upbeat and the life of the party. Other people begin to cling to the character. These people together form a group. The character makes a lot of judgments based on who is cool and who is not. The other people follow his judgment. But then the character starts hating on someone that one of the followers actually values as a friend. Is the follower strong enough as a person to stand up for his friend? Chances are, no, he's not. Who would you rather be friends with, in this case? The character, or that guy who is your friend that Mr. Character was hating on?

I actually got into a situation like this in college, and the choice was clear to me at the beginning of this year. I chose the obvious choice. I picked the people who were being hated on. I rarely talk to anyone from the group anymore, because I realize how they function now. They may not realize it, but I do. And it's stupid, like the semi-geeky table of guys at my junior high school who never branches out to any new friends. But they talk about their video games, and make the same tact-less jokes over and over until you get sick of them. I mean, sure, inside jokes are fun, but at some point YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. SOMETHING RELATABLE. Whether they notice it or not, they reflect a social failure. They fail at connecting with other people outside the group. They fail at realizing that judging people is wrong. They fail at recognizing that they are being followers, led by someone with a worldview that is greatly flawed and needlessly exclusive. And they fail at being their own individuals.

The internet is also full of people like this. People who use the internet for socializing are often people who fail at meeting people face-to-face. And these are typically the same people who are too weak to take action in the case of being individuals and renouncing other people's judgments to determine who their friends are independently. And these are the people who don't know not to judge people and exclude them. And these are the people who create bullshit criteria of "what's cool" and "what's not cool" to judge whether or not to accept them as people. And so they call each other out on each other's character flaws, which aren't really flaws at all, and then they start fighting with each other. As this happens, the people like me who know not to judge people so harshly sit back chuckling with our metaphorical buckets of popcorn watching them tear each other apart. Either that, or you know, they just awkwardly cease to talk to each other. Actually, the last thing I just said is a lot more common. If people are too wimpy to make decisions independent of one another's, they're also too wimpy to tell each other off.

People on the internet act very strangely. Cowards have an extreme advantage on the internet, because the interaction isn't face-to-face. You know, cowards. People who never let their true character shine because they're too afraid of other people's judgments. And they're afraid of other people's judgments either because they're just timid, or because their true character SUCKS and they know it. The people who's true character SUCKS and they know it include people who troll on the internet, people who drive aggressively, and people who go to sports games just to scream at and irritate the opposing team and its fans.

The internet provides all sorts of opportunities for cowards. They can hide behind alternate identities, or even remain anonymous if they want. With this anonymity or false identity, they can do any manner of annoying, belligerent, and denigrating things to people without being recognized. There are people who LIVE to watch other people get pissed off. The internet is a harbor for people like that. We like to call them "trolls." But what we're really talking about is people who are cowards and who are looking to be detrimental in small ways to people so they can derive some sort of sick fucked-up satisfaction from it. It can be from poor treatment as a child, or from a lack of parenting, among other things. But no matter what the reason for this psychological malfunction, it's fucked up, it needs to stop, the people involved need to grow up, and it pisses me off.

The people I was friends with in college included many people like this. It's kind of funny how all of these psychological immaturities come together in the same people. It's like they're all correlated.
Well, I'm going to bed. Let me know your thoughts on this, too.

2009-11-20T22:52:00.001-08:00

Greetings, oh people who matter.

2009-11-20T22:50:00.001-08:00

There were two girls. I hugged one of them. Then the other pretended to punch me in the face jokingly. But there's a subconscious reason for every action we do. She wanted one too. I think she digs me.

2009-11-20T22:39:00.000-08:00

I'm fucking stupid.
I've been on this bus struggling to think of something to do to pass the time as I have my internet-less laptop and nothing to do, and in trying to excavate an idea from the far depths of my mind, I didn't think to write anything! I can write anything wherever I go; all I have to do to put it on the blog is copy and paste! DUH!
Whenever I first open my laptop, my immediate instinct is to click directly on Mozilla Firefox. I've done that at least twice so far, not even considering that there IS NO FUCKING INTERNET ON A BUS. I think I may have an addiction. Perhaps I need help.
I'm not sure why, but I ended up in a short traffic jam on Interstate 57, about 10 minutes south of Interstate 80. For some reason, there is a traffic jam at this location about half the time I pass by it, and it's not even a busy or heavily-populated area. I don't know what it is about that place that always gets it all jammed up.
I should have downloaded an arsenal of music to listen to on the bus as opposed to the smattering of a beat the douchewagon behind me is blasting through his headphones. They're probably ear-buds too. The ear-waxy kind.
I don't know how much literary merit these musings bear. I don't know how much I care about how much merit they have. I guess I do care somewhat. I DO need to manipulate these words in the best way that I can so that the thoughts that you think are in my head based on reading this match the actual thoughts I have in my head as closely as possible. So I weave and stretch and move and bang these words into place so that what's in my head ends up being very similar to what ends up in yours. The only problem is that there are infinitely many ways to do it.
There's an annoying kid three seats from the front who keeps asking stupid questions, the epitome of which is "Are we there yet?" I feel like responding, "DID YOU SEE THE BUS FUCKING STOP? 'NO?' WELL THAT MEANS WE AREN'T FUCKING THERE YET. USE YOUR TWO GODDAMN EYES."
In my desperation to find something on my computer to keep my attention, I found a folder I made called "Old mementos." (A couple of obnoxious Harley drivers sped past us just now. I hope they die. Anyway,) In this folder I found the products a tactic I've used to combat insufficient self-esteem that may come my way: conversations I've had on instant messengers with girlfriends I've had in the past.
Sometimes I feel like no one is capable of loving me--hey, we all do at times (for some, it's just more frequently than it is for others). But then I look back at the evidence I've recorded. Hell, you might actually like to try it yourself. It helps you to remember all of the wonderful things you've experienced in your life.
There are some conversations I've saved that are pretty much useless. I know I've had girls I've considered to be mistakes. You don't know until you try it, and I tried it...And it turned out like shit, for some of these girls. Those are the conversations that I don't care to look back on. Some of such conversations are in there. But there are others...MUCH better ones.
So I looked back at those. And I wondered what the hell happened to end all of them (because obviously I'm single now). Some were my fault, some were the girl's. But it's interesting to think about the passion that you felt, the passion that you know is real, and the passion that you thus must be capable of expressing in the future. Fuck, if I've done it before I can do it again. That gives me hope. I wonder if any of you do the same thing.
I should be arriving at the station now. Instead, I'm about 10 minutes away.

2009-11-19T23:47:00.000-08:00

It's too late. But my roommate isn't here, and I don't feel like going to sleep. Thus, I am going to write a bunch of shit in here again. I look back on some of my old posts and realize that HOLY FUCKING SHIT THEY'RE FUCKING HUGE. But you'll listen, won't you?

Should I really care if you want to read all of the musings I write in here? I don't think so. Theodore Giesel p.k.a. "Dr. Seuss" once said, "say what you think, and do what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." If you give a fuck, you give a fuck. And if you don't give a fuck, you don't matter. And if you don't feel like reading this whole thing, I understand that it's a long investment of your time. So don't read all of it. If you do read all of it, I'll assume that A) You REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY like reading, or B) You're obsessing over me and that creeps me out. Stop, please.

There IS a girl I know who really really really likes reading. And she's amazing at it. She puts all of her kindergartener classmates to shame. I don't know if I should write her name on here, because there's a thing called confidentiality and I'm supposed to maintain it as required by my employers, whoever they are. A bunch of people who write a bunch of mandates on paper and give them to people who like killing trees. Whatever.

She used to be shy around me. She thought I was intimidating. Here comes the guy over six feet tall. No one's really sure why he comes here. But he takes the kids outside, one-by-one, like the admitting room into a doctor's office. Not just any doctor's office--the kind with needles. Maybe he uses a syringe to stab kids in the forehead and inject liquid knowledge.

The first time we read together, the first book we looked at wasn't a story. It was a series of words with a picture above it representing the word. Normally, what I'd do is ask the kids what some of the words were, and what letter it started with--we'd use it for letter sounds. THIS girl was reading every last word, breezing through with no mistakes. She went on to read some storybooks. Flawlessly. I was happy. Not only had I found someone whose skills were impressive-- I had found someone like me.

I read Charlotte's Web front-to-back when I was three years old. That's what my mom tells me, anyway. I guess I sort of remember it? The English language was like a puzzle to me--a puzzle I HAD to solve. I wouldn't rest until I got it right.

And now here's this girl. Way ahead of the rest of her class. I could tell she was bored. I had been in her position before. She had little opportunity to move ahead of her class, though she was very capable of doing so. She was bored, like a puppy in an enclosure in an animal shelter waiting for a home. I had to do something.

Some carry iPods with them wherever they go, but I always have a notebook with me. I love to write, and I love to give my neverending thought a place to manifest itself in the real world. I like to explore things that can be seen on paper, like geometry, maps, songs, poems, prose, and whatever randomness that can be written.

On the bus, where there are only strangers to potentially comfort me, I open my notebook and turn to a blank page. With a mechanical pencil in my hand, I sit there with my open notebook and I'm comfortable. I feel safe, safe from the danger of having ideas that spontaneously come to my head become lost forever because they were never written down. Sometimes I won't even write anything, but I'll just be sitting there, thinking. But I'm comfortable.

When I go to the elementary school, I bring a bus schedule and one of my notebooks. I noticed that the smart girl was having trouble with words with double vowels, like "ea" and "ou" and "oa." So I wrote down some words in my notebook and asked her to read them. If her class wasn't going to lead her to make progress, I certainly was going to try to.

As we read more and more, she began to like it more and more. She felt like she could finally be free to be herself, as opposed to trying to dumb herself down to someone she wasn't while she was in the classroom. I know what it's like to be confident about what you can do, and feeling like showing the world what you can do. I want all the kids I tutor to feel that, including her.

Now, she's all smiles around me. She waves, and we actually have somewhat of intelligent conversations. Yes, intelligent conversations, and she's only six (or almost six). I say this because she structures her sentences intelligently and carefully. And when she expresses friendship toward me, I feel that it's because I did something for her.

I'm just glad I could help someone and that I could do it well.

2009-11-17T12:12:00.001-08:00

I learned two things from two people last night (as in one from each person).

But before I continue, plug: http://tinychat.com/welcometogoodburger This is the name I intend to keep on my tinychats, at least until I get bored of said name.

The first:
I always thought that there were certain friends of mine that I influenced, and they slowly became more like me as time went on. I wasn't sure what to think about people looking at me and trying to become more like me, because, well, I'm not so perfect. I used to think that certain people liked what they saw in my personality, and they wanted to take pieces of it and make these pieces part of their own respective personalities.
Now I know that what I thought was mainly wrong. I wasn't influencing others to become more like my own character, I was merely making them comfortable expressing those pieces of their own personality that were like mine. They weren't taking from my basket of personality traits; they were only looking at some of the things in my basket of personality traits and saw that some of the traits in their own baskets were the same as some of those in mine, and thus they felt comfortable sharing the ones we had in common.
I know that there's sort of a refreshing feeling you get when you find that some unsuperficial trait that you have, some piece of your individuality, is the same as someone else's. It gives you a confident feeling about the random musings you have come up with. It's kind of like doing your math homework and then comparing your answers with one of your classmates. Chances are, if you and your friend both got the same answer, you must be on the right track.
This knowing that you must be on the right track can also apply to the feelings and thoughts you have everyday in a social context. I was elated to discover that my friend Dave was into writing music for RPG-style video games. It's somewhat of an interest I've had, but I thought it was weird until I met someone else with the same interest, especially when he actually writes the music and does an amazing job of doing so (many of his songs are on iTunes for your listening pleasure). I've had a lot of strange opinions that I've come up with, but many of them have been validated by other people I've connected to, and nothing beats the feeling of finding someone else with your same quirky interests and thoughts. Because that's when you go "FINALLY! MAYBE my thoughts and ideas aren't total shit after all!"
So now I realize that I wasn't influencing people to become more LIKE me, but they were just no longer holding back their personality traits that are like mine because they had a series of revelations in which they went "OMG Paul and I have something in common, and now that I know that there is someone else with this same personality trait as mine, I am going to make it known that we have this same trait AND I am not going to hold back this personality trait anymore!"
Specifically, I'm talking about Dave. I always sort of thought that Dave, coming from somewhat of a religious family, never swore. But when he's around me, he does sometimes. I didn't know if he was observing my propensity for swearing and wanting to become acquire such a propensity, or if he just had the propensity to swear hidden deep inside of him and I didn't know it. It turns out, that the latter option was the correct one. And I should know that Dave, as a thoughtful guy, should have the capacity to invent his own personality based on his own perceptions of his mental tendencies with flying colors. It's not like I could have doubted that though. I should have realized that he was just being himself in the first place, and that he was only letting himself to be free to express his inner more obscure personality traits after seeing that I had the same ones.

2. It's important to take charge of your own personal situation within broader social situations. In other words, if you're thrown into a large group of people, figure out what you believe would represent your own interests and the people around you like the most, and then go fucking do it! At least that's what I should be telling myself. This is because I'm more into having a small number of close friends rather than a large bunch of acquaintances. I'm not into big parties--I'm into learning about people, one by one. Everyone is a mystery, though sometimes the mystery is more easily solved with certain people. Hell, some people don't have a mystery to solve (cough superficial cough). But people with mysteries interest me greatly, and I want to get to know them.

2009-11-15T22:50:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how legitimate it is to make the judgment that getting an amount of sleep divisible by three hours is the best way to wake up refreshed and feeling positive. All I know is that my average night of sleep isn't going to yield such an amount of time sleeping unless I cut it down to a flimsy six hours. At this point, I have to stay up until 2AM for that to work, because I wake up at 8AM. I may be able to pull this off because me roommate is absent at the moment. FOR THE GOOD OF SCIENCE I WILL PARTAKE IN THIS EXPERIMENT! Getting to know my sleeping tendencies is always a good thing so I can make healthy decisions in the future.

So yes, mom, I am actually trying to convince you that I am making myself healthier by staying up later. XD

This weekend I went to an opera. It was a new experience. I learned that Mozart operas are a lot like Linkin Park. The intensity is high, but it's ALWAYS HIGH; MONOTONOUSLY HIGH. And thus, even though it's stimulating and involved, it's BORING. And ALL THEIR SONGS SOUND THE SAME. It gets old after about 15 minutes (or 15 seconds with Linkin Park).

Other things I did: Watch a movie, play Age of Empires 2, and spend over 2 hours straight in the piano room. In doing that last one, I started figuring out a third Imogen Heap song by ear, "The Walk." I had already figured out "Hide and Seek" and "Come Here Boy."

Welcome to the revamping

2009-11-09T22:55:00.000-08:00

I WANNA KNOW WHERE THE GOLD AT
I-
I WANNA KNOW WHERE THE GOLD AT

Sorry. I was just jammin' there for a second.
I tried to focus I REALLY TRIED. And I still feel underconfident about this exam tomorrow. I hope it all goes well, because I am going DIRECTLY to bed DO NOT pass go DO NOT collect 200 dollars after I write this blog post. And spellchecker is underlining "underconfident" in red because it's not actually a word, but FUCK YOU MICROSOFT I USE MY OWN DAMN DICTIONARY AND MERRIAM AND WEBSTER CAN EACH GO FUCK A CACTUS.

ON that note...
I think our apartment for next year is reserved for us to sign the lease! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY PARTYYYYYYYYY Me Dave and Zac. Aww yeah. Shit's gonna be SO cash.

I realize I never expounded on the second thing I learned about myself in that last bit. I also realize that as this blog is associated with the name "paulthemapguy" which reflects my minuscule internet persona, this blog may be easy to find by way of stalkers. Oh well. If anyone is that desperate to find out more about me, this is a treasure trove, or even better, an avalanche. I like the "avalanche" metaphor better because it implies that this blog can easily be overwhelming to someone who doesn't know what he or she is getting into. So it fits.

To all of my close friends to whom I can trust the knowledge contained within this blog, welcome, and realize that you have been chosen. You have reached a certain threshold of trust that most everyone else hasn't. Feel free to read all of this from here on out, as long as you don't blatantly expose this blog to ANYONE you know. And since I can trust you with the knowledge herein, I'm sure I can trust you to keep your mouths shut about this, too.

This is for me to vent, and it is for you, in case you want to keep up with what happens in my life. If you ever want to ask me "what's up?" here is your answer (and "not much" is never an adequate answer, contrary to popular belief). This is for you, the true friend, because you deserve it (unless you're one of the mofos who stumbled upon this site by chance, in which case GTFO).

The next post is an extensive one.

Things I've learned about myself

2009-11-08T00:03:00.000-08:00

Jesus Fuck, it's been a long time since I posted something here. But I need to throw something out there for only my close friends to know.

Tonight was the annual barn dance, a night full of friends, dancing, chatting, and awesome. I learned a few things about myself tonight.

1. I am not materialistic
2. I have become colder as I have gone through experiences in which something terrible happens
3. I don't know how to handle being in limbo between friends and dating, and I need a decision one way or the other

Evidence:
I am not materialistic. I invited Erika to come along on the barn dance, and since she wasn't a resident of my dorm which sponsored the activity, she had to pay $5. I just covered her and bought her ticket. She asked if I wanted $5 to compensate. I told her I didn't care, and she didn't give me the $5. This is weird, because she would usually be more persistent in paying me back. I think she was testing me to see if I would resent declining her offer.

I have grown to expect everything due to all sorts of table-turning debacles I have witnessed in my life, and this has made me colder. I spent a good 10 minutes nonstop spilling my guts out about three friends I had that did things to themselves that turned their lives around, whether for better or for worse. One joined the marines, ditched, fled home, then fled to Canada in lieu of pursuit by the U.S. government. He could have served 18 months in the brig if he was caught. He recently married a Canadian woman, with the intent of becoming a Canadian citizen. Another friend has just been declared pregnant suddenly, and is going to give the baby up for adoption. And it was someone who always seemed to me to be very tame and reserved. Third, another one of my friends traveled far to his relatives' place of residence with a complex developed in his mind that he needs to somehow turn his life around. He proposed to his girlfriend and has never told me the news, though we used to be best friends. And he has submitted paper work to the U.S. Air Force and will be called in within the next 6-8 months, having always known the tragic debacle that happened to my first friend.

Yet somehow, I wasn't appalled by any of it. I've always accepted that I'm not very good at predicting things. But when people make terribly large changes to their lives that I don't agree with, I figure that it'll be their loss in the long run. Some people don't have the capacity to learn in any other way but the hard way, and still others seem to never learn.

I talked to the girl who got pregnant on the phone, and for some reason, I didn't even ask her how the hell she managed to get herself in the situation, nor did I reprimand her for doing so. I don't think I need to tell people when they fuck up. If they do fuck up, they should realize it, and rectify their personal ideology so that they make sure never to fucking do it again. If they don't realize it, then they're fubar: Fucked up beyond all repair. If you can't realize when something goes wrong, then you're done for. This is because learning happens in three ways: Learning from mistakes, learning from observation (of things other than mistakes), and learning from being told something. The first is "the hard way," and the last two are "the easy way." Apparently, she didn't learn the easy way. So she had to learn the hard way. But if you can't even learn the hard way, then there's no way for you to learn. And if you can't learn, then you'll just keep doing damage to yourself. The girl, I'm sure, is learning the hard way. She's learned so much in life, I know. I can't wait for these 9 months to get over with, and I'm sure she can't, either, with an intensity that I can't even imagine.

Whether you're learning the easy way or the hard way, you should always make it a point to learn things about yourself. I always try to learn things about myself--that's why I record things in my blog and through my videoblogs. And I try to learn these things about myself so I can correct the things that I don't like and make sure to emphasize my strong points. My friend who fled the Marines was not proficient at learning things about himself. I know this, because this guy was intolerant of any authority above him, especially those who were relatively less intelligent. I knew him since second grade--in junior high he would cuss left and right, and get detentions left and right just for being rebellious against teachers he didn't like. One time he slammed his locker saying "Damn locker." A teacher he wasn't particularly fond of walked by and asked him what he said. He repeated the two words right back to her face. She gave him a detention, and he shrugged adamantly. My mother actually asked him to his face if he had any fucking idea what he was getting himself into. The Marines' training camps were places where absolute idiots would scream in your face orders of various kinds, and no matter what they were, you, the trainee, had to comply. This was EXACTLY the situation I knew he wouldn't be able to stand. So how could I, knowing him, have expected him to be able to stand months upon years training under the very conditions he was notorious for rebelling against? And sure enough, he deserted his training camp near San Diego on an Amtrak train back to the Chicago area, and days later he fled to Ontario.

I guess the lesson here is that you can never determine your purpose in life if you never continuously take notes and observations about your own true character. He made a failure of a decision because he failed to recognize his own rebellious and adamant tendencies. This lesson also applies to figuring out your own brain. I personally know that I am a visual, spatial, mathematical thinker. I know that I like maps, and this is tied in with the modes of thinking I just wrote. I know that my purpose in life should take advantage with my enhanced ability to think visually, spatially, and mathematically. Therefore, I have accordingly made the decision to study civil engineering. It fits me, and I know that it fits me because I have been trying to figure myself out since I was a small child. I'm lucky that I knew to figure myself out at such a young age, because so many people--adults, even--don't realize how important it is to try and figure out how their own minds work. Instead, they just try to follow popular culture, and try to develop their own personality based on the norms suggested by society. These people are the tools.

There are tools, and there are the people I define as "nerds," with the nerds being the people who are genuinely right in the world. They are enlightened, and they know that who they are on the inside isn't determined by what anyone else tells them. They embrace their true character, and they don't give a shit what effects society could potentially have on it. I know this because the nerds are the ones who have passions that are unique, and they thus have unique talents and abilities that not everyone has. And I know that these are the right kinds of people, because without them, we wouldn't have any of the conveniences we have today. All of the things that you haven't invented, created, or conceptualized in your lifetime that exist today, were created by nerds. Most likely, you don't know how to build a computer. You don't know how to design a spaceship. You don't know how to blow glass. These things were all created, invented, and conceptualized by people who are smarter than you in their respective fields: the nerds. And without them...where would we be today?

Yet for some unspeakably wrong reason, people condescend toward the nerds.
That doesn't make any sense, does it?

You know you're talking to a tool when he or she acts condescendingly toward people who have unique interests. I've learned this over the years. Everyone knows I'm that kid who likes maps. I've gotten mixed responses from people on the topic. Some tell me "that's SO COOL!" Others look at me as if to say, "why the hell would you do that?" It makes it easy for me to tell who my real friends are. Friends are people who support you, and like you for who you are. And the right people are the ones who are accepting of people with unique interests, because, as I said before, the people with unique interests are the ones who create, invent, and advance society forward, thus serving a purpose in this way. So, by sharing my strange interest with potential friends, I easily sort out the right people into the category of eventual friends; i.e. the right people are the ones who become my friends, and the inverse.

What we should all do is try to learn those things about our true character. This way, we can know which of our tendencies are negative and negate them, and we can find out our positive tendencies as well so we can take advantage of them, manifest them, and serve a positive purpose in the world. It didn't work for my friends I mentioned at first, but just know not to do what they did. Do what you can to serve a better purpose, and make the world a better place. I sure am trying.

This is my religion. I have no formal religion, and I intend never to partake in one in my lifetime. These are some of the ideas I live by. This is one of the books of the New Testamant, except in my religion. It's part of my personal Bible.

2009-07-19T10:29:00.000-07:00

What happened to when the word for you was "adorable" A
But somehow things changed to the extent that it's horrible C#m
But now the thought's stuck in my head that you're evil F#m
It shouldn't be there because we're just different people D
And I don't know whose fault that is, if it's mine or yours A
But somehow we ended up closing our doors C#m
I think back and acknowledge all the infatuation F#m
And wonder how we got ourselves in this situation. D E

^chords for what I wrote before

GRR I CAN'T FIND MY NOTEBOOK WITH MY OTHER SONG THAT I WAS WRITING...PENISES.
I'll get back to you on that later

2009-07-11T09:25:00.001-07:00

What happened to when the word for you was "adorable"
But somehow things changed to the extent that it's horrible
But now the thought's stuck in my head that you're evil
It shouldn't be there because we're just different people
And I don't know whose fault that is, if it's mine or yours
But somehow we ended up closing our doors
I think back and acknowledge all the infatuation
And wonder how we got ourselves in this situation.

Song lyrics I thought of for no particular reason

Another buncha shit I came up with in the shower

2009-06-30T19:59:00.000-07:00

Why's it so important
For you all to believe in
Something that is larger than life

Something that is more than
Humanity that you can't even
Fucking see with your two eyes

To me all this foreign
Yet somehow I'm still breathin'
And I'm doing just fine staying alive

And if you all are so sure
Then why are there so many people still grievin'
From turmoil and pain and strife

Chords:
Bm
F#m7
Bm
F#m7 G7+

Came up with this in the shower

2009-06-29T15:41:00.000-07:00

Get the fuck out of my way
I've got to do something today
So that I can safely say
My life's better than it was yesterday

You're a bitch and three-quarters
For trying to stop me shorter
Than going outside my borders
To where the sun is warmer

2009-06-23T18:30:00.001-07:00

ALSO COCKS

2009-06-21T14:49:00.000-07:00

Video themes:

Musical Monday: Where I learn to play a song I either figured out by ear or one I wrote myself!
Tuesday News-day: Where I share with you news from around the world...that actually matters.
WTF Wednesday: Where I share with you random idiosyncrasies in everyday life and current events that just don't make sense.
Discussion Thursday: Where I discuss serious issues of philosophy and current events.
Random-ass Friday: Where I share with you random short thoughts I've had over the course of the week.

Agenda:
Sunday- Record Monday's video, compile news stories, sort stories into material for Tues. & Wed. videos
Monday- Upload Monday's video, write & record Tuesday's video
Tuesday- Upload Tuesday's video, write & record Wednesday's video
Wednesday- Upload Wednesday's video, write & record Thursday's video
Thursday- Upload Thursday's video, compile random thoughts & record Friday's video
Friday- Upload Friday's video
Saturday- Work on music for Monday

2009-06-14T00:39:00.000-07:00

Watched "Religulous" by Bill Maher today. Thank humanity for people with the ingenuity to realize the fatal fallacy of believing in a religion. If only everyone had the ingenuity to get above religion. The fate of humanity may depend on it.
Religion may have helped us in the past get to where we are, but maybe "where we are" could be farther along, in terms of technology and human progress, if we never came up with religion. There must have been some compelling reason for peoples to come up with religions, though, if so many civilizations independent of each other created them. One of these reasons could quite possibly be the inferiority complex and a relinquishing of responsibility for taking care of the earth-- living with the idea that there is some body higher than us in power that watches the earth, and takes care of it. After all, how could we humans take responsibility when we have such animal tendencies, and when we are so imperfect?
And since there is so much which we humans do not control, how can we have the highest power? We can't control completely how the lands were formed, and how the winds blow, and what living beings inhabit the earth. Does that mean that there is some conscious being or beings that DO control that? And does the fact that we humans are imperfect necessitate that we should not be the ones who take responsibility for the fate of this planet?
No, and no. We'd like to think that whatever controls the world on the highest scale is a perfect being or collection of such. Well, too bad. The world isn't perfect. There is no such thing as perfection, so quit making up the idea that there is. All we have is us. And all we can do is try to be the best we can be, and take care of the earth the best we can...which we aren't. We aren't because we don't realize that we are the only ones who can take responsibility for the earth and keeping it strong. And we don't realize this because we have this inferiority complex which leads us to tenuously assume that there is some power above us that controls what we can't. But what we don't control is controlled, not by another being, but by the laws of science. It's chemistry, physics, and biology, manifested.

Watch the Youtube video "Fast Food Theology" by TheAmazingAtheist. It's amazing because of its ingenuity and truth.

"Religulous" brings to light a lot of ridiculous facets of religion and many more indications of the fallacy of religion. My only rant about the movie is that it was too much of Bill Maher being a smartass and not enough facts. Whenever a person would try to speak to him, he would interrupt to insert some snide comment or question. I was thinking, "DAMNIT, BILL, JUST LET THE GUY FINISH!" when he was interviewing someone.

According to "Religulous," 16% of Americans claim to not be affiliated with any religion whatsoever. I am proud of the height of that number, but I am disappointed that it isn't higher. Life without religion is the life of a person who is strong enough to have one's own values, who is undaunted by skepticism nor by some overwhelming power that is beyond your control, who has no need to try and redeem oneself for fear of being sent to hell, who strives to good for the earth and its people and not just to save one's own ass, and who refuses to settle for anything other than what can be physically perceived firsthand. Or you can also be a terrible person with little to no morals, but that's another story. I bet there are people who truly believe that a person without God can only be a terrible person with little to no morals. But those would fall into the category of "closed-minded dupes with an IQ on the low end of the scale."
Don't let religion hold you back. And for the most part, it doesn't. I am honestly depressed and have little faith in humanity when I meet anyone who does not give the theory of evolution the recognition it deserves. Compared to evolution, creationism is a fairy tale. Can you honestly believe that the human race was created because a snake talked a woman into eating an apple? Did you ever see evidence of a world being created when you ate an apple? Did you ever see a FUCKING TALKING SNAKE? Did you ever notice that you have a tailbone even though you have no tail? Did you ever take a look at part of the fossil record? Did you know pandas have thumbs? Do you know what atavisms or vestigial structures are? Do you notice the similarities in skeletal structures in mammals, or reptiles, or any other classification of animals? Take a good look at both sides before you make a decision.

2009-06-10T21:15:00.001-07:00

Fuck love. That is all.

2009-06-10T20:31:00.000-07:00

Venting is a wonderful thing.
If you have a shitload of emotions running amok in your brain and you need to get rid of them, talk about it to someone you trust.
Face it. You've got something on your mind and you don't know how to figure it out. Maybe you would like some help? Do you know anyone who you think will understand and is capable of giving an educated second opinion? If yes, then talk about it! And chances are, if someone is compassionate enough to understand your situation, then that person will also be compassionate enough to hear you out.
If no, how do you know that none of your friends will be compassionate? Have you ever tried to talk about real shit before with anyone?
Some people are afraid of talking firsthand about social situations. They classify it all with the negative category of "drama." Guess what. You're going to have to deal with shit like this at some point in your life. And if you have a problem with someone, be open about it. That's the only way you can get understanding.
Either you be open to people and tell them how you feel, or you hide it and talk shit behind people's backs. Your choice. And if your group of friends isn't open to each other, how can that be actual friendship? Are these friends or just a buncha guys you hang out with? You say they're your friends, but you talk shit about them to your other friends. How can that possibly be true friendship?
So talk to your friends about what you think. If they're understanding and compassionate, it won't hurt anything. If not, well, they need to learn how to be a friend. I'm not saying they need to listen to you spilling your guts all over the place. But at least be able to tell each other, "Hey, you're a nice guy!" or "Dude, your fly's open."

Nonillion is a 9-letter word that uses only 4 letters.

2009-06-02T20:29:00.000-07:00

I love the rain. Thanks to it, I spent all of yesterday at the office and driving around and all of today doing calculations at the office. Laid-backness for the WIN!

I wish I could remember the lyrics I came up with for this song I was writing when I was in the shower...Curse you, paper, and your inability to remain intact when in contact with water. You too, computer keyboard.

This is a stab at one of the THREE sets of lyrics I need to crank out now:

I want to let you know that when I spend my time with you
It's heavenly
But when your friends surround us I don't know what I'm to do
And I never see
How to act when they are there because it's odd and such,
How fast we've moved
And even though I didn't either, when you didn't talk much
I was confused

But I saw a glimmer
Of your cuteness that shimmered
And it stood out in the darkness
Brought upon by the lack of starkness

I want to let you know that when I said "hi" to you
Like we do all the time
Intermittently even though I've been here with you
I saw it shine

You went to answer cutely but then you caught yourself
And went on, ignoring
And if it's what I think it was, you wanted no one else
To be shocked by our thing

Buts still I saw that glimmer
Of your cuteness that shimmered
And it stood out in the coldness
Because your friends shouldn't know this
Thing we share

--
I always wondered what a track list would look like if I ever put together an album. If I did, I would make two albums. One would be for my more professional songs with lyrics (mostly) and one would be random unserious stuff.

Songs with words list:

Search for Meaning
The Robin
So Far Away
Thing we Share
Psychological Surrender
Flashlight
Dreams of Flight
Makes me Wonder
Cool with Each Other
Going to the Zoo
Elevator

I should put those in an order that is of optimal awesomeness as opposed to just randomly. I should also make a definitive place, either on paper or on the interwebs, that is to keep all of my notes for song lyrics. There are 11 of them already, and only 2 of the lyrics are done!

I need to work tomorrow. Hopefully more chill-ness. =) I wonder who reads these...

2009-05-27T20:32:00.001-07:00

I'm growing impatient.

2009-05-27T19:49:00.000-07:00

HAHA I drove to Ottawa and back and got paid for it. If I can do something I love to do (e.g. driving) and get paid for it, that's just the best thing ever.

I don't remember what else I was going to say.

More Random Thoughts from Week 2

2009-05-26T18:26:00.000-07:00

Just felt a raindrop at 7:16 AM. Balls.
Where the hell is Campbell Hill, IL?
80% chance of rain today. One of the iron workers says he saw a bunch on the way here in 2 to 3 hours. (7:08 AM)
Of Montreal stuck in my head. Somehow, it's Tyler's fault.
I'll be the first to admit that I don't know whit. (Hey, that rhymes)
7:00-3:30. That's 17 half-hours. I'm almost done with the first one. Wtf is 1/17 anyway?
I always get Walter Payton and George Foreman confused...
Pissed At Underachieving Losers.
Behind Rambunctiousness is Immaturity Enlightened, And it's Never Not Enjoyable
"My train of thought derailed, caught fire, and crashed into the side of a mountain."
Fuck iPods. I just get songs playing in my head.
Current songs on my mental iPod shuffle: 1) 2nd song I'm writing now for a certain purpose... 2) Trapped in the Drive Thru by Weird Al (don't ask) 3) Take on Me 4) The Robin (a song I'm writing)
Supervisor left 40 minutes ago to go on a "tobacco run". I love how chill this job is.
Plans for this weekend: Friday, 4pm- Drive to Janelle's, arrive at 6pm, stay the night. Saturday: 12pm(ish)- Go home, 2pm- arrive home. 3:30pm-Erika's graduation thing. Sunday- spend the day with Brie! I hope the car's fixed by then
I just saw a one-winged robin. How sad.
Dow Jones increased by 200 points today. Go, Barack, go!
I'm sitting here listening to the sports station on the radio, thanks to my supervisor, during my lunchbreak. The Cubs lost 8 in a row. Lol.
There's a camp they're advertising as "the official summer camp of the Chicago Bulls." I can imagine a bunch of loser parents with fucked-up priorities pushing their children into that.

The minivan broke down yesterday. My parents took it in to get it fixed today. My dad says it'll take them a couple days. It better fucking be fixed by the weekend, because I have a LOT of people I want to see.

Another thing brought to my attention was the "Atheist Challenge." Even being someone who takes the "I don't give a fuck" stance on religion, this intrigues me, partly because I am more an atheist than any other religious classification and partly because it pisses me off to see instances of people lacking awareness, knowledge, and/or reverence for people of differing beliefs.

The Atheist Challenge is a series of questions inquiring about the nature of an atheist's beliefs. Said questions are as follows:

1. Where do you get your morality from?
2. Why do you accept evolution? Explain how you came to your conclusion.
3. What is the meaning and purpose of your life?
4. What is the greatest thing you've ever done for others and why?
5. Would you kill for atheism?
6. Why are you an atheist and why do you consider your position valid?
7. If you died and met god and discovered he/she/it existed, what would you say to he/she/it?
8. What would it take for you to believe in a god?
9. What religion is the most dangerous in your eyes today, and in the past?
10. Name three peaceful religions you have no issue with.
11. Would the world be a better place without religion?
12. How do you feel about government and politics?
13. If you could go back in time and kill Hitler/Stalin as babies, to prevent the killing of millions in the future, and time travel was possible, would you do it?
14. Why is stem cell research so important?
15. Is abortion evil?
16. What would the circumstances need to be for you to approve of abortion, as an individual?
17. Should we save anumals from going extinct?
18. Do you approve of capital punishment?
19. Do you believe in any aliens, ghosts, spirits, souls, or supernatural forces?
20. Would you give your life for a loved one, with the chance you may end up in hell?
21. Explain in detail the process of death.

I'll answer these at some point later on but for now............I don't know.

Random thoughts: Week 2

2009-05-24T15:08:00.000-07:00

I just identified the first cowbirds I've seen of the season!

Question: Would you like it better if I told you "I hope it gets better" or if I told you "It'll get better." Should I make the realistic statement or the assumptive one?

Got my grades. I'm satisfied pretty okay.

Ok people. Twitter didn't make the # function so you could spam a phrase, and other people can use it to attract attention to their posts.

When I was little, I used to imagine the cookies and crackers in my pantry to have feelings and personalities, and I'd be afraid to eat them.

Excited to see you again, though it won't be for another week.

I came up with a second song in the shower. I need to go play it before it falls into the back of my mind, never to see anything ever again except for dust mites and cobwebs. Going to play it now!

Random thoughts: Week 1

2009-05-23T22:31:00.000-07:00

Things can get pretty uneventful at my job sometimes. I'm basically the inspector that makes sure the stuff that the construction workers build is according to plan, which involves taking measurements and surveying. But it takes longer for the construction workers to build something than it does to check it. So there's some waiting around involved.
What I do to quell this is bring along a pad of post-it notes which I carry around in my pocket. When I have a bit of down-time, I'll find somewhere to more-or-less hide and write down some random thoughts. Because whether I have a place to write thoughts down or not, I will always be thinking about things to occupy that time.
At the end of the week, I plan on writing these short, incoherent thoughts here on my blog. So here is THIS WEEK IN PAUL'S RANDOM THOUGHTS:

It's amazing how someone you've barely even seen in real life can pull on your heart strings. Damn you, new technology. Damn you. =)

It's been 25 minutes and my supervisor hasn't shown up yet. Wtf? (It turns out he was in the back room the whole time =/ .)

Now I understand why a lot of men go home exhausted and seem like chauvinists to their women. It's because of these heavily masculine jobs where they spend their entire day around other men!

I'm glad I brought these post-it notes for me to write down my thoughts. They're an effective expenditure of time. And expenditure of time is just what I need right now.

This job has instilled in me a fear that I've been spending the bulk of my past wasting time educating myself, just so I can fucking stand around, or start from scratch again.

These guys are hilarious. Even when things are fucked up, they keep a sense of humor.

Manholes are like buried treasures that you DON'T want to find.

Dump trucks are important. When you have existing structures that you want to get rid of, the shit has to get out of here somehow.

The whole bridge structure rests on a set of steel girders that span the bed of the creek.

I feel bad for the construction workers, busting their asses as I sit here and watch them.

I now realize why blue and green are my favorite colors. Nature FTW!

The backhoe is a giant beast that manipulates the earth in a way I never could. It's like Jurassic Park or something.

Paul's current status: wimp.

Standing around out here helps me in two ways: 1. I am able to be alone with my thoughts. 2. I get used to being outdoors & on the job site.

Maybe I should just go through a pad of post-it notes every day, writing out random thoughts as they occur.

Put this magic in a basket, float it down the river, and don't know if you'll ever see it again. But keep track of it so you know where it's going.

I hope you come back sooner than later. Or go when I can go.

Goddamn. 2 days out here and I already have a farmer's tan.

I learned what a sleeper slab is!

Philip Defranco's life is SO FUCKING EASY! I am jealous.

Why am I getting paid to do this?

MY POST-ITS ARE NOW WET WITH SWEAT.

I found myself saying, "Aw, my ..'ow' hurts."

The toilets in Union Station have rotating ass-plastic.

I need to toughen up emotionally and physically in the same time period. Well this is great timing.

I can't stop thinking about ...

Every time something external reminds me of her, I'll write the thought preceded by a *.

* Let's start with the song I'm writing for her being stuck in my head.

A lot of us suburban teenagers get so spoiled that we expect every waking moment to be stimulating somehow. That's why they always whine, "I'm bored."

I think I should make a twitter account for these random thoughts, or at least have somewhere on the internet to put them.

Damnit! I can't even use Memorial Day as an excuse to see her!

"If I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don't know."

You need to share your ideas and experiences and you need to be open to others' ideas and experiences

New styles coming soon!

2009-05-21T20:39:00.000-07:00

SO...last week was finals. That was kind of rough. I did decently, though, to my belief. This week, I have a new job for IDOT (ze Illinois Dept. of Transportation). I get paid $13/hr to stand around and watch people build things. The point is to be a civil engineer that supervises the construction of a bridge across a creek, which happens to be like 3 minutes from my house (score!). But it takes a lot longer for the construction workers to ..construct (what else?) things. So mostly I just watch, and then I'll assess what's being done through some form of surveying/measurements. I don't know WHAT the fuck I'm doing, though. I've never had a job like this before, so above all, this is a learning experience. I still despise the feeling of being useless as these guys do all of the hard work. What's more, my supervisor does most of the engineer work, being the guy who actually knows what the fuck he's doing. I make like $100 a day, though. I think I'm just uneasy about it because I didn't expect this to be a full-time job. Now, all of a sudden, I'm making $100 a day waking up at 6:15am. It's not what I was expecting, so it'll take some getting used to. I'm starting to do that pretty well, so it's all good.

Last Thursday, Mike, Bill, Kyle, Dave and I went walking all-the-fuck over campus, even to the far reaches, from 9pm to 1am. We had to have walked at least six miles. We walked through a cemetery on the south side of campus in the dark. Some of the others were mildly creeped out. It's a CEMETERY. This is why I don't like watching movies.

Today I figured out why I don't like movies. It's because I don't believe the reality of anything in movies happening in real life. The reality within a movie is a distorted one, where every message is conveyed clearly and simply, whether verbally or metaphorically, so that the audience can completely understand with little mental manipulation. Movies are so much more to-the-point, whereas life is not. Sorry, folks, but your purpose in life isn't going to be presented to you, and it's not one concrete thing. It's all the little things you do for people that add up in the end.

I went over across the street to Hallie's and saw Tyler and various people from Oswego I haven't seen in almost a year. They were watching "Taken." They said it was intense and action-packed. I was strangely unmoved watching it. I still didn't believe the feasibility of any of it.

I need to move some things around on this blog, for it is about to serve a new purpose. I'll get to that tomorrow, though, as I need to wake up at 6:20am tomorrow. Good night, y'alls.

2009-05-21T20:30:00.000-07:00

wishes he had a camera implanted in his brain. Then I would always look back at the picture of you smiling.

Work is getting better, and my farmer's tan is getting worse. I'm getting used to it. I've just been being a wimp. I'm actually starting to burn on my arms...need to work on that.

Tomorrow's the last day of the week!

2009-05-20T18:07:00.000-07:00

stupidfuckingshittyjob.
I need to stop being a wimp. It's the only thing between the job's being awesome and the stupidfuckingshittyness of it. It's all about attitude.

2009-05-20T18:06:00.001-07:00

I can't get you out of my head
It seems that I won't until the day that I'm dead
But if that happens I want you to know
That I hope you'll be with me wherever I go

Random song lyrics. No reason.

2009-05-20T17:21:00.001-07:00

Random thought #1:

When you make a connection with someone, you share pieces of yourself with that person. But when you break up, you might never get those pieces back.
For example, your special someone will love a certain song. But after you break up with that someone, that song will remind you of that someone and it'll be ruined.

2009-05-19T15:44:00.000-07:00

Take this magic, put it in a basket, float it down a river, not knowing if you'll ever see it again. That is, unless I keep track of where it's going.

2009-05-13T23:03:00.001-07:00

Oh man. My brain hasn't been under this much stress in years.

One reason is easily understandable: it's finals week. I don't fully comprehend that I have thus completed 4 final exams, 3 of which lasted me between 2.5 hours and the maximum allowed time for taking the finals, 3 hours. I'm tired.

The other reason is something I don't really want to talk about here. It's so strange, and I feel that most of the people around me would disapprove of what's going on. I'll mention it later probably.

I should write more in this when I get home. I sort of forgot this blog existed, and by that I mean that it sort of sunk back further into my head.

2009-04-22T17:32:00.000-07:00

Geez, I forgot what it was like to study diligently. I haven't focused myself this effectively since I've been at college. I've already filled up 12 pages, front and back with drawings of mechanisms of reactions of organic molecules. And somehow, listening to music is helping. Usually I have a very one-track mind, because I'm easily distracted. Or maybe the other way around. Either way, each statement is true in itself. The reason I'm studying so much is because I have two exams tomorrow evening. I took a practice exam, got a B+ on it. I think I'll study just a bit more to bring it up to in A! Because if any class needs a boost right now, it's chem. I got a song stuck in my head, from when the internet duo Rhett and Link sang a song at the drive thru at a Taco Bell to place their order...it was more about the song, though. Check it out at their Youtube channel, www.youtube.com/rhettandlink . Those guys have serious talent. More than some crappy more popular people on there.
I'm turning my focus away from Youtube and more on friends, studies, and life. Oh, and there is also BlogTV. I think I'm more interested in BlogTV than Youtube, with the exception of a certain few people on Youtube. I go onto these websites not only for the lolz and self-indulgent entertainment purposes. I go onto these websites to learn about people's life stories. Have you ever wondered about people, where they come from, what makes them tick, and what their life stories are. Do you ever wonder about the people around you at a public place, like a mall, or even go to the extent of going "people watching"? I do, and that's the reason why I love these websites so much-- because unlike TV and movies, the messages conveyed by these people are honest, come straight from the heart, and are manifestations of the characters and individualities of the people on there. That's what I like about Youtube and Blogtv. While it is a mode of entertainment, it's also a medium through which we are able to connect with people all around the world.
I've been studying too much. But there is still more to be done. I've barely done anything for my physics exam which is also tomorrow. Ffffuck. Just gotta keep chugging.

2009-04-13T21:48:00.000-07:00

I rediscovered my journal today. You know, one of those with a cover and actual pages. That's what I was writing in recently. So for all you folks who actually follow this (1 person I actually know), I'm going to write stuff here. It'll probably be a lot of small thoughts incoherently forced together, but it's the small things that make life worth living. It should be taking in the small things for enjoyment, and trying to put out big things to be creative. Though small bursts of creativity are important too. Like writing in this blog or helping a child learn the letter "K", or telling your friend that you like her new haircut.
I'm fucking sick and tired of being fucking sick and tired. I've had this cold for 5 entire days now. It began Wednesday night when I found that it hurt to swallow. By Friday night it had grown into an all-out nasty cold, complete with chest and nasal congestion, so bad that I didn't want to fall asleep because I couldn't breathe adequately.
I figured out a sweet dream I have for accomplishing:
-Get to know people on Blogtv
-Get a car & good video camera
-Go on road trips to meet the awesome people
-Document the travels on camera and make a Youtube Travel Channel

That would be an awesome thing to do. And if it's blogtv, I can see the people on camera so I know for sure it's not some 583-year old rapist.

I haven't sifted through my friends list on Facebook in way too long. Every few months or so, I would go through my whole list of friends in alphabetical order and send something to all of the good ones. It's been 11 months since I last did that. Fail.

Blogtv.com is awesome. It's a site where you broadcast yourself publicly and let people come into your show and chat with you. You can also cohost people (though it tends to be lagalicious when you do that). It's great for learning about people & where they come from, and it also helps you build charisma and fight your fear of people.

My best friends' names are chloraseptic, Halls, and Kleenex until I get better. My body has finally started working to get rid of the damn illness. Can I be healed by tomorrow morning plz?

OH- when I was lying in bed with my spirits lost because of the irritating-ass cold, I put together 13 hypothetical road trips, ranging in length from 10 days to 8 weeks, covering all 10 Canadian provinces and 48 contiguous states and most all the things I am currently intent on visiting in each of them. I wonder if I can go on all 13 of them, one per each year starting.......whenever I get a job? That's what I want to do when I get older: Get a small, quaint place--I don't need that much space--and save my money up for big road excursions.

I invented a new idea. It's called "copisomiotbagitmawoll," which stands for "coalition of people in support of making it known that being a geek is the most awesome way of living life," of which the members would be referred to as "copis" for short. I'm going to make a video about it.

I have to teach the chill'uns tomorrow. Hopefully I don't gag on anyone.

2009-03-01T22:05:00.000-08:00

I'm still alive after the three exams in two days last week. This weekend was pretty much a waste, though I did see Winnie for a short time. Aya's coming next week! And, uh...not much else to say. Oh, it's March now. Wtf is up with that? I'm starting up a new series on Youtube that's just me throwing a random thought out every day, which is all I have time for. I think it'll be a positive thing because youtube is so ADHD it's annoying. No one will sit through a video longer than 3 minutes, and the #1 most subscribed person is just a video of a guy speeding his voice up by a factor of 2. Bunch of hyperactive squirrels.

I'm off to bed now! More on this story at 9. I mean later.

2009-02-21T23:40:00.000-08:00

My God, Jason Mraz gets me going.
Make it Mine is one of the most amazing songs I've ever heard.
Dynamo of Volition is awesome too.
It's inspirational not just through the sound, but through the lyrics. His lyrics actually make sense, unlike a lot of the bullshit that goes around these days.

I owe Dave. He came up and helped me get through my CS machine problem. I've never programmed anything ever in my life before today. I'm going to get 100% (A+!) on it. How do I know? They actually provide the students with a checker that goes through, runs the program (4 times actually), and tells you what grade you're going to get. I kept revising it until I got to 100%. I don't think I would have gotten through it if it weren't for Dave pretty much walking me through it.

My next project for piano is figuring out the chords to Dynamo of Volition. It's titillating.

After the CS was done, I chilled with Bill, Mike, and Ryan. But before we started hanging out, Steve passed by. He was on his way to see his friends across the campus. We had a short talk out in the hallway. I was sitting against the wall against my big, fat, blue pillow with little arms on the side, drawing maps on my 11x17 drawing pad again. He requested a "commission" (as he called it) of a map of Orland Park, his home town. I agreed somewhat enthusiastically (at least in that direction). He said that if I wanted something photoshopped, he would do it for me. Steve's a good guy.

Steve and Dave both pretty much made my day today.

Bill and Mike are cool too, though Bill burst out laughing when he was drinking something, spraying me with drinkables. It was a fun time though...I laughed.

But we thought the zombopacolypse was coming....It all started when Mike, Bill, Ryan and I went to the gas station to get some numnums...and by that I mean candy. Yeah. Badass right? Well, when we were walking to the gas station, we saw the other gas station across the street from the one we were going to (I will never understand business strategies in America) packed with cars blasting subwoofers and jumping around obnoxiously on the pavement. Wtf? You know, the crazy "gangsta" types. Wtf?*

Then, we walked back into Hendrick House. Bill and Mike noticed a red-haired girl to the right down the hallway as we walked in the door. In two seconds, they turned around and she was gone.* They were like HOLY SHIT. So we pressed the button to call the elevator to find that the down button was already lit up for no apparent reason.* ...We pressed the up button and went up the elevator. It stopped at the 9th floor and wouldn't go up.* So we got to the 10th floor finally...and ran into Sam and Amanda. We talked to them about the girl who disappeared, and while we were in the process, the door opens. The girl we were talking about comes out of the elevator with an RA from the other side of the building...and they proceed straight into the stairwell back down. Wtf?* This is a prophecy or some shit...I can feel it.

And now, it is 2AM. I'm going to sleep. Tomorrow's tasks: Physics HW and studying CS.

2009-02-17T21:28:00.000-08:00

Stop telling the people on youtube that they're hot and that you want to do them. It's not like these women dress like sluts, or as if they treat STD's like Pokemon.

(Gotta catch 'em all!)

2009-02-17T18:38:00.000-08:00

Chem exam- Thurs
Physics prelab- Thurs
Math hw- Thurs
CS prelab- Fri
AAS reading- Mon
Physics HW- Tues

2009-02-16T14:45:00.000-08:00

Since I was 12 years, old, I've always noticed that there are two different kinds of people in this world. I used to try to generalize them as Democrats and Republicans, or as liberals and conservatives, or as nerds and boring people. But I haven't been able to pinpoint just what the difference was until today.

It all started in my Asian American Studies class today when we were asked about what we take from out childhood experiences and how that shapes how we live out lives and look at the world. I get it today.

When we are born, we start off with a blank slate when it comes to social behaviors, actions, and tendencies. We don't know how people act. We don't know why they do the things they do. Social norms, stereotypes, and conventions aren't something we know automatically-- they are learned. This includes notions of identity, race, and where you fit into society. By the time we are in middle school and high school, we have a set of ideas of what the world is like-- we have created a world-view. And from this set of things we learn springs a set of expectations of what the world is supposed to be like. This includes anything from why people turn door knobs certain ways, to why people travel in cars instead of walking, to racial stereotypes.

But for some people, there are things which challenge our world-view; there are times when we are urged or forced to ratify our ideology to correct a contradiction. For instance, there is a white 10-year-old boy who lives in rural Indiana and who has never made friends with an African American. A new black student comes to his elementary school and doesn't have anyone to play with, so he asks the white 10-year-old if he wants to play a game with him. He has never known a black person before-- this challenges his worldview about black people.

Another example-- I went to a high school with a high percentage of Asians, mostly Chinese and Korean. They were there primarily to become better scholars. But then I meet a girl who goes there and then she goes to parties at night. But I thought Asians were supposed to be studious! We have a contradiction. So what do I do-- do I refuse to believe her when she tells me how much wine she drank last night, to comply with my worldview?

The difference between the two types of people I mentioned before applies directly to this: One group would not know how to handle such a contradiction because they have little experience in doing so- the other group would be more experienced and able to ratify one's expectations of people in the world.

I call people who are more able to ratify their worldview socially acceptive, or socially adaptable, because they are more able to accept people's differences and more able to adapt to many different social situations.

Think about it. How socially acceptive are you-- how acceptive are you of other people who are different from you? Isn't it a good thing to be socially acceptive?

Random thoughts!

2009-02-14T14:37:00.001-08:00

125th post. That's 5^3 or 1/8th of 1000.

I think there should be a tag for guys to wear so that women can differentiate the men who want to get to know a girl for who she is and those who are just horny.

I'm trying to do homework, listen to music, and dream about things. Like going on an epic road trip to meet all the people I know on the internet, in real life.

When all else fails...draw a free-body diagram.

I want to start a business of coffeehouses where people come to show their talents, not just open-mic. There are more awesome things people can do than sing, play guitar, and try to do stand-up comedy. There are things like juggling, making movies, drawing maps...eh? eh? I think I'm going to call it "Full of Beans" Coffeehouse. It's important for people to learn the diversity of people's thoughts, interests, and individualities. And we can learn the things that make people who they are.

If I share a thought that appears to you as being deep, I'm not just sharing the thought for the sake of being deep. I'm saying it because I feel it's an important thing to say.

You really gain an appreciation for music and the effort behind creating it when you try playing it on the piano, even if the music wasn't piano music in the first place.

Disposable cups: The icon of college life in America.

2009-02-12T21:27:00.000-08:00

It was really fucking warm on Tuesday and yesterday. 61 degrees in February! It stormed yesterday...but Mother Nature decided to do so when I was walking to CS lecture, which is a blow-off lecture anyway. I was soaked. As soon as I walked into the entrance to the building in which the lecture was held, it stopped. Thanks a lot.

Thanks goodness we don't live in Saudi Arabia. A woman was gang-raped, and then sentenced to jail for being gang-raped. Isn't that supposed to be the other way around? Wtf is it with Islamic law and fanaticism?

Second semester seems a lot busier than the first. I'm still adjusting to the new situation, and it's 3 weeks into the semester.

A collection of random thoughts for today

2009-02-08T21:59:00.001-08:00

Preface: Today was the grammy awards!

1. LAZY SUNDAY, WAKE UP IN THE LATE AFTERNOON!...seriously, I woke up at 12:30 today, which makes for 12 hours of sleeping. Wtf, body?
2. Today, I chilled out in the hall with Bill and Ryan; then we went to CRCE to go swimming. The only problem was, my swim trunks mysteriously went missing. Actual dialogue:
Me- "I can't find my fucking swim trunks!"
Bill- "Wasn't this YOUR idea?"
Me- "Yeah-- that's what pisses me off!"
3. I wanted to do math homework today, but it's about material we NEVER FUCKING COVERED IN CLASS! What am I supposed to do?
4. I wasted my 56-degree Saturday doing physics homework. Fucking physics wastes all of my time. I attend 7 hours of class a week for that fucking course. Also FUCK!!!
5. The Grammys were today. How the hell does someone as mind-numbingly terrible as Li'l Wayne get multiple awards?
6. T.I., some rapper, was ...rapping... alongside Justin Timberlake's singing. Thanks for cramping his style, as well as my capacity to watch the Grammys anymore. Who the hell decides to make their rapper name a brand name of calculator?
7. What was with that guy from the Recording Academy talking about a Secretary of the Arts? And what the hell even is the Recording Academy? And wtf? Obama won grammys? Is this supposed to be some metaphor? Quit being a suck-up!
8. Apparently, there are record-breaking wildfires in Australia. Hmm. That's a world-suck.
9. Best rap album...That's like trying to choose among George Bush and John Kerry for President...or like looking for the strongest hamster to pull your Excursion out of a ditch.
10. I'm tired of losing all my socks. It's because of those damn elves. Keebler elves. Those cookies you've been eating are made out of socks. And young children's broken dreams. But mostly socks.
11. Oh yeah. Friday night, we played Apples to Apples on a set-up card table...in the ELEVATOR!! It was hilarious. Look for the video on Facebook! Or the crappy version on Youtube.

2009-02-03T15:55:00.000-08:00

Fuck my life.
Today on the way to work, I got caught up by the train. Between the bus stop where I got off and the school, there are train tracks. So I watch the train pass in front of me, going at 5 to 10 miles per hour, as the wind chill is right around -10. Damnit. But then I see the caboose about to pass in front of me, the light at the end of the tunnel. (And yes, I don't know if this train came from a century ago and traveled through time, but it actually had a caboose.) But then, the train stops. The car next to the caboose is at the intersection of the street I'm walking along and the train tracks. And then, it starts going backwards. Seriously? I have to wait for the whole fucking train to pass by again? And I did. I was 7 minutes late to work.

If that wasn't enough, I walk along Neil St. waiting for my bus to come and take me home, after work. So it comes. And it passes right by me. Great. So I walked to Illinois Terminal- about 10 blocks away. In the subzero wind chills.

Finally, it's 11:25. I'm at the Terminal and I have a class at noon. It's not even a lecture that I can easily afford to miss, either. This is when I BOARD the bus back. I don't return to the dorm until 11:45, when I am to leave the dorm to get to my 12:00 class on time. But I didn't, because I needed to eat; this is thanks to my Tuesday schedule that runs until 5pm.

Thanks, guy who drives the 2 South Red bus. Thanks. A whole. Fucking. Lot.

In other news, I have a shitty-ass grade in math. Matrix Theory? Any math class with "theory" in it. Listen. I don't want to define mathematics. I'm comfortable with notions of addition, multiplication, matrices, and vectors. I BELIEVE you when you tell me that 2+2=4. I don't need to redefine it through complex proofs when it's a fucking SIMPLE CONCEPT TO GRASP IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I had fun teaching at least. The only bad part was having to look at one of the kindergartners' faces covered in crusty solidified snot. Nasty. The 2nd grade accelerated class is great. The kids actually want to learn and they help each other, too. They gave me a bunch of accelerated classes to contrast with the "ghetto" trashy kids I had last semester. I do miss the kindergarteners I had last semester...and I know they miss me, too.

Just because I swear doesn't make me a douchebag. I'm just saying what I feel, and sometimes what I feel requires emphasis to convey it effectively.

I need to eat dinner...and do homework for Physics and math.

2009-02-01T21:43:00.000-08:00

What the fuck. February already? I'm still getting used to my schedule! Which BLOWS by the way. But that's just because I'm a Republican at heart- resistant to change. I'll get used to it. I hope. I start at 8:30 M-Thu and get out all of those days at 5pm except for Monday, when I get out at 4. Fridays are 9 to 3. Yippee-kai-fuckin'-ay.

I remembered how much I hated my local public high school. It wasn't the academic lack of opportunity that pissed me off. It was the people who had no initiative to have a purpose in life that pissed me off.

Super Bowl today. Who fucks a give. Arizona lost I guess. Makes sense. What do you expect from a state where, if you ran for 5 minutes, you'd die.

Shoutout to all y'alls who didn't give a rat's about the Super Bowl. Hooray for not living my life according to preconceived notions of manliness.

Tired.

2009-01-31T23:25:00.000-08:00

Jesus balls! Today was insane. Club 10 decided we wanted to go shopping. (Club 10 is my group of friends here in my dorm hall in college.) So we rounded up a bunch of people and waited outside for the bus to come. The only problem was, the fucking bus didn't show up. Yay -_-. It was supposed to come between 1:59 and 2:05. We said "screw it" eventually, and gave up. This was Ryan, Amanda, Sam, Bill, Steve, Mike, Kyle, and me. So we started to walk back to the dormitory when we got the idea to go to Marketplace Mall instead (that's actually the name of it...how imaginative). But Mike, Ryan, and Steve were already gone. We pretty much left without them, but they had Halo 3 they wanted to play anyways. So we were off! And as SOON as we decided to walk the other direction, the bus we were going to take drove by, 5 to 8 minutes late. Great job, MTD. The 5 of us that were left got on the 20N Red bus to the mall. We walked around, observed some pretty strange people, and bought a few things among all of us. Then we got on the 20Nred again and went to Meijer. This was probably more fun than the mall anyway, because we tried on stupid sunglasses, got our blood pressure taken, and played with the toys in the sporting goods section. You know those things that are like skateboards but only have two wheels (Ripstiks or something)? Sam and I tried to use one and almost bit it-- they are SO hard to use. I could NOT get the hang of it.

Then we came back. Once again, the bus was 5 to 8 minutes late. Do they TRY for this effect?

Anyway, we got on the 100S yellow bus and passed the mall, where a FUCK-ton of people get on. It was insane. They couldn't fit all of the people on the bus, and were forced to call up and order another to the location. Even so, the bus we were on was packed. I felt like we were in Japan and some guy had to take a big wall-on-a-stick and pack us in the bus. There was a loud trashy black guy in the back talking shit. I would call him African American, but idk, being politically correct about this guy just wouldn't seem politically correct, because he wasn't politically correct himself. Just like I would call stupid white people white trash. Except this guy wasn't white.

Then this huge guy (I would guess 290 lbs) with a limp and perpetually pursed lips came on the bus and sat next to me. And by "next to me" I mean "half-on top of me." I looked to my left in my double-seat and saw a giant ass. A giant ass that was inching in my direction. I stared, praying it wouldn't land on me. But it did; at least it sort of did. He eventually scooted somewhat out of my personal bubble. At least he had a heart.

Then we got off the bus and took the 22N back home. Yippee.

But that's not all! Call now and you can get a SECOND sham-wow ABSOLUTELY.....
...
ok sorry. But that's really not all. We came back and decided we wanted to eat something. We also ran into Meagan, who was interested in food as well. So we went to this coffee/sandwich shop that Bill suggested to us. It was a good place. There was even loud music. The only problem was, the musicians didn't realize that there's a difference between how much sound a concert hall can hold and the amount of sound a small coffee shop can hold. The elementary-school-age girls in front of us were holding their ears, and whenever the musicians started a new song, the first note was always so loud that the girls jumped a little when they heard it.

If that wasn't enough, Meagan Kyle and I got snow from outside and threw snowballs at a few people's doors, because we couldn't find anyone to peg. Dave, Meagan, and I tried to get into the music room but we couldn't because it was occupied. So Club 10 ended up playing cards and pool in the lounge. You get by with what you can.

And now I'm going to sleep because it is ass-late. Good night!

2009-01-23T22:48:00.000-08:00

Today was a pretty chill day. Had one class, and it was CS lab (EASY AS HAIYULL); Had some laughs with Club 10 at meals, worked a little bit on the game, played a little Halo with my low level of experience for a while, and played cards with Zac, Dave, and Stephanie. And by "played cards" I mean try to play Euchre while 3 Lewis Black specials played intermittently. I like Lewis Black because he reminds you that it's important to have a sense of humor when your government has been run by a retarded chimp and a dick with ears for the past sixteen years.

I made a new video about why I like Youtube so much.

Zexi called me today. It was nice; I hope to talk to him fo' rizzle tomorrow.

I found the poster on Sxephil's wall at the poster sale yesterday. I decided to pass on that one, and I purchased one of Flight of the Conchords instead.

Haha, Black Mesa is actually the name of a place on the west end of the Oklahoma panhandle. It's actually the highest point in Oklahoma.

2009-01-22T22:03:00.001-08:00

I would be going to sleep, but someone next door decided to take a midnight shower. But that's okay, I'll update you guys instead.

Highlights of my day:

Got to talk to olgakay on the phone during her live show on Blogtv. It was pretty awesome. What was even more awesome is that she wanted me to call her. It was SHE who suggested that I call her- it wasn't my initiative. It feels good to be noticed! Call me an attention whore, but you know you'd love it too.

I went to Tay Zonday's live show also on blogtv and asked him in a text comment (about 6 times before he got to read it b/c the chat was moving so fast) if he really went to IMSA. He said "Yes, for my Sophomore year of high school." So there! Tay Zonday went to my high school! HAHAHA!

On a less exciting note, I did laundry today. A shitload of laundry. Two jam-packed washers full. In fact, when I loaded the clothes into two dryers, someone from the front desk called me to let me know that they had to shut one of the dryers down because it almost caught on fire! I had to split the clothes up so they were in THREE dryers then.

I drew a new drawing thing to keep track of my state quarter collection for my walls today. I divided the 11x17" paper into 50 sections and drew the outline of each of the 50 states from memory, then with the state name and the circular tracing around a quarter. I tape the state quarters I find to the circles. Yep. Paul the map guy strikes again! XP

I've had "Won't Get Fooled Again" stuck in my head all day, especially the organ/synth-type part that's at the very beginning. And, since I went to the room belonging to my friends Zac and Dave, I've had Saturday in the Park by Chicago stuck in my head. I never realized how awesome Chicago is.

I need to get cracking on the RPG I'm making about my friends. I want to finish Part 1 by Jan 31. We'll see how that goes. Part 2 will hopefully be done only a couple weeks after. Part 3 is at ISU, Part 4 is on the moon, and if there is a part in Bill's dream world, it'll be Part 5 and Scotland will be Part 6. If not, Scotland will be Part 5. The last part (6 or 7) will be the final boss fight, with the Dark Lord of Fear.

I has one class tomorrow, from 9-11, so I still have to wake up. I hope I can get myself to work on the RPG all afternoon tomorrow, seeing as I don't start teachin' the chilluns (volunteering at the elementary school) until next week.

Uggh...Do I HAVE to?

2009-01-20T21:29:00.000-08:00

I actually have to wake up tomorrow? I have class tomorrow at 8:30, and it's physics of all things. I have 4 classes tomorrow, and it would be 5 if my physics discussion at 3 wasn't cancelled for the week. Blogtv was slow, but it's nice to have people that come back regularly. It makes it more possible to learn about who they are.

Obama was inaugurated today. Bush was SO shitty of a president that all Obama had to do was promise change to be elected president. I hope people realize that the world isn't going to flip upside-down in a matter of days, though, before they start accusing Obama of not keeping his promise of change. After all, bitches be crazy.

I like how the word "bitch" has shifted into encompassing both genders. Don't discriminate! Everyone can be a bitch!

I was watching a video from this guy named Phil, and he was talking about how it takes a collection of blindly loyal followers to become president. And I think this is true because, let's face it, most people are not free-thinkers. Most people just follow the crowd. It's sad, but it's true. Most people don't think independently, so they follow the grain instead. So in order to get a large majority of people, you need to attract these people who just follow the grain.

It's sad but it's true. Why do you think we have political parties? Why don't we live in a world where every person's views are different and based on their own valid thoughts? Because some people aren't independent enough. A lot of people just pick a side and stick with it. It actually pisses me off.

Winter break. What a waste of life. I would say time, but I feel that I just did nothing purposeful. I feel restricted when I'm at home. I can't be myself. But that's basically the mindset of any teenager.

I want to start a project like Wikipedia, except about road conditions. People can post information about road construction, traffic, and common speed traps. They can rate the roads for quality, congestion, and other things.

I also want to start a Youtube project about individuality endeavoring to explain how people define themselves and what makes them an individual. I'm not entirely sure how I want to carry it out yet.

Another thing I want to do is have an online travel show where I take road trips across the U.S.A. in which I can rock out to road trip music, show people random crap I find along the way, show people the awesomeness of traveling, and demonstrate that America isn't just about Disney World and Niagara Falls. It's about the quirks of the people of the places in between.

But I really want to go to a youtube gathering. Everyone there seems to friendly and acceptive. Not to mention inspirational.

I found a roadgeek website. It was awesome to find something that actually acknowledges the existence of map guys like me. The thing is, it's run by a guy aliased as mapguy. That was my idea first. Or at least it was my idea to use it as a title as in "paul the map guy."

Do I really need to point out how much of an ignorant asshole this guy is?

2009-01-19T22:20:00.000-08:00

"Well dumbass anywhere is the time or the place as its america and my first amendment right protects my freedom of speech dipshit...secondly sexuality, and race are polar opposites ask a real black man, he'll tell you the same thirdly REAL america the ones that wouldn't run and hide if attacked the ALPHA MALES and ALPHA WOMEN dont accept that homosexuality is OK because its not and it never will be so no matter where or when ill have my opinions known as I am a MAN and I know it! So take your liberalistic secular humanistic bullshit and stick it where the sun dont shine!"

Before you read anything below, remember this: It is always okay to change the way you look at things in the world, and it is NOT a bad thing to learn.
1) First of all, if you're going to present an argument, you probably shouldn't be enough of a pansy to block the comments from the person you're arguing with from leaving comments containing potential counterarguments. Just an idea.
2) I'm using the word "argument" for the sake of simplicity, though this load of bitching at me for presenting my humble opinion defensive of a hateful comment probably should not be technically labeled as an "argument."
3) OK so onto the actual writing. Yes, you have every right to express your opinion, but you also have the freedom to express that you like to kill and eat babies. Does that make it right?
4) How can race and sexuality be polar opposites? That's like saying that loyalty is 17.4 times denser than happiness because that doesn't make sense! And that's probably what a black person will tell you! The POINT I was trying to make apparently went straight over your head, so I'll clarify it for your sake: If you hate gays because they're gay, you are hating someone simply for a trait that they have, and people will agree that this is WRONG. Racism is just like this, because racism is a form of hating someone simply for a trait that they bear, in this case skin color. Hating someone for their sexual orientation is just as bad as hating someone for their skin color, or how big their nose is, or whatever other things you can come up with. Do you get it now?
5) Why are you talking about running and hiding? No one was talking about that! Are you just spouting things you heard from Bill O'Reilly? It's actually pretty funny that you mention running and hiding after you blocked me from responding to your comment!
6) Alpha males and alpha...what? Who gives you the right to say that you're an "alpha male?" And what, are we wolves or something? If you're an "alpha male" then I'm surprised that you even have the intelligence to write an email in halfassed English because you'd be one really intelligent animal!
7) Homosexual men are still men. They each have a penis.
8) On a side note, I'm glad you know that you're a man. I've known since I was a baby that I have a penis... What do you think makes you a man? That you're tough? That you like things like guns and cars and lifting weights and fighting? Well, think about this: these are all stereotypes. You the "man" believe that you are a man because you fit the so-called image that you are "supposed" to be? It's pretty clear that you blindly follow these stereotypes, just as you blindly follow the so-called Conservative notions that surround you.
9) And here's the kicker. Who says that homosexuality is "wrong?" Where did you get that idea? Who told you that? I know you didn't get the idea from thinking about it, because let's face it: you're not a man of thoughts. You just seem to follow. Follow all that's around you and don't come up with a single goddamn thought of your own.
Did you get this idea from the Bible? Do you really think that your God would loathe the existence of gays? Do you really think that he would want you to eliminate their existence? What kind of God is that to believe in? I don't believe in a God who would strike people down just because of some trait they've been born with and have lived with all their lives. There are artifacts and pieces of history that point to the existence of homosexuals in Ancient Greece, even before Christ. Homosexuality has probably been around ever since people have been around, just like people of different color have existed for thousands of years. It's discrimination, and that's that.
10) And since when did being humanistic become a bad thing? Do you even know what that word means? If so, do you really oppose people trying to live happily and successfully? Surely you can't be THAT much of a douchebag.
11) And how could you call me a dumbass? Because I have a different opinion from yours, I am a dumbass? Here's another way you're confused: you seem to confuse your opinions with facts. You see, you aren't always right about everything. This is something most people learn by the time they are 6 years old. I'm not "stupid" because I think differently from you, because your opinions aren't always the right ones, nor are mine or anyone else's. You aren't smarter than me because you believe your opinions. If anything, it's probably the contrary because I think independently and often, and you clearly just follow other people's ideas. But that aside, I hope you really learn that what you're doing is discrimination, that you should not be a coward, and that you should stop listening to the crap ideas around you and start to form real opinions based on your own valid thoughts- because everyone has the power to form their own independent thoughts and opinions, and you are no different. You can do it--start thinking for yourself!

Dreams

2009-01-11T20:48:00.001-08:00

Get shit done.

Go to Australia.
Run a Roadgeek website.
Go on awesome road trips and do so to make youtube videos about my travels. Like an online travel channel but hopefully more entertaining.
Find a girl who is awesome and likes me for me.
Hell, find people in general who are awesome and like me for me, the weird-ass that I am.
Make monies, live in a small place, and be able to save up lots of money for use on epic travels.
Write music that people all over the world have access to.

2009-01-08T22:06:00.001-08:00

Roses are red, violets are purple,
BUT NOTHING FUCKING RHYMES WITH PURPLE!

Roses are red, violets are blue,
In Soviet Russia, poem writes you!

Roses are red, violets are blue,
I sure love poetry, but rhyming is dumb.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
STD's are contagious so watch who you screw!

2009-01-07T21:50:00.000-08:00

This might sound a little weird, but...Can I go back to school now?
Macy's here and we hang out, but other than that I'm serving little to no purpose in life. Can I go do something with my life now? I'm tired of sitting around.

I need to get my ass moving day.

2009-01-01T21:35:00.001-08:00

The new year provokes many thoughts about one's life and the direction in which it is moving. As we divide the time in our lives into these divisions called "years" to better keep track of our experiences and accomplishments, we note that we have come to the end of one of these divisions, these chronological categories with which we chronologically classify out achievements. And that leads us in to thinking, "Uhh what exactly did I DO this past year? Was it enough? Did I accomplish every one of the dreams and goals that I'd laid out for myself, or at least a sufficient number of them?"
Now if you're a thinker and a dreamer like me, chances are that the answer is "no." I still want to visit the remaining 28 states I have never set foot in. I want to finish getting my degree. I want to still go on an African safari. I want to do something for the world through which I can prove my worth to humanity, in whatever way this will be, or, in short, I want to fulfill my purpose in life.
Now compare what you've accomplished to what you want to accomplish. Was it enough? Did you come any closer to fulfilling this purpose? Are you still going to have sufficient time and resources to accomplish all of your dreams by the time you won't have the chance to anymore?
I can tell you my answer: ...no. And I think this is a commonality with most people. It seems that for a lot of people, the New Year is a time when people say, "Shit! I've gotta get my ass moving!" This, in my opinion, is where the idea of New Year's resolutions comes from- because people are thinking, "Hmm, I was going to accomplish something or improve some facet of my life but I never got around to it. So now, this year, I'm going to focus and get my ass moving."
They should just rename New Year's Day to "I need to get my ass moving" Day.
And while they're at it rename New Year's Eve as "stay up late and get drunk off your ass" Day...but that's off-topic.
So I've got a question for you all. Are you someone who thinks, "I should really get my ass moving" this holiday season? If so, what is it that you want to accomplish in 2009? Leave a comment below, or if you're feeling especially passionate, record a video response.
HAPPY INTGMAM Day everyone, and I will talk to you later! BAHH

2009-01-01T01:56:00.000-08:00

Happy new year!
More in-depth entry tomorrow when it's not 4am and I can actually process all of the thoughts that a new year brings, like "shit, another year. Maybe I should actually start doing something with my life."

See you when I wake up.

2008-12-29T22:56:00.000-08:00

Ohhhh bajeebers. What am I to do?

So I'm sitting here in my bed.
Like I have been for the past week or so.
What am I going to do in this town?
The suburbs are so restrictive. You have to drive to go anywhere. If I was back in Chambana I could walk down to Noodles, or walk to get a haircut (I need to do that), or walk down to Green Street and try one of the 7 Asian restaurants within the length of one block (it really exists).

Ohhhh bajeebers. Look at the time.

I haven't been really paying attention to the time. All I know is that I need it to pass. I'd much rather be away from this place.

Ohhhh bajeebers. I need to get out more.

But every day so far with the exception of today, I was unable to go out because it was either a holiday or snowing like mad. I think Mother Nature has been forgetting to take her meds lately. On the day after Christmas, it started to warm up. The day after that, it was 55 degrees with a big rainstorm that dumped about an inch of rain. Mind you, this is December we're talking about. Then, it turned 30 degrees colder.
A week ago, it snowed like mad, and it snowed before that, too. So that's three storm systems in a little over a week.

Today I walked the dogs and worked a bit on the Club 10 game.

Wtf is that?

My friends on the 10th floor in my dorm building (which is basically a tower: 10 floors, and only 6 rooms on each floor) decided to make a club called "Club 10," sort of jokingly. We got our other friends on the top half of the "tower" in on it too. So a bunch of us got together one night and stayed up until 3 AM laughing our asses of trying to come up with phrases and events in the game, like "Bill uses disguise. Dave asks Bill if he's seen Bill," and "Meagan uses preposterone. Meagan grows beard. Enemy is now confused." There were a ton of other ones based on inside jokes that you all wouldn't understand. But believe me, I hadn't laughed so much in such a long time. Probably since we saw the performance of the Second City comedy troupe in September (this was December).

Thoughts. People should have them.

Paul: NOOOO! Care about things! Don't stop caring about things!
Zexi: Lmao.

So for Christmas I got a new phone, a watch with a built-in flash drive (that's weird, right? In a good way.), and a bunch of clothes that I specifically mentioned I didn't want. It all had some branding of the University of Illinois on it. I'm extremely individualist and I don't like to identify myself as part of a group.

Why am I still awake?

2008-12-17T23:46:00.000-08:00

I'M DONE BITCHES!!! F**K YEAH!!!
And now, some continua that people lie on.
Hard working, lazy
Searching for purpose, wasting time.
Self-indulgent, Self-restraining.
Thoughtful, focusing on instinct
Open, closed
Shy, outgoing

2008-12-01T22:07:00.000-08:00

I shouldn't.
Ahhhh....but I should.
What's up guys. I just can't keep up with this regular youtube stuff. I've just now finished my homework for tomorrow, just in time for the new opportunity to say I had finished it for today. In other words, it's right around midnight. But this is what I get for putting it all off over Thanksgiving break, over which I did next to nothing. I am really glad I got to see a lot of my friends from high school then, though! Hoorayayayayayayayayazns.
I really enjoy people who have things going for them and actually have the drive to achieve in life, unlike the Hedonists in this world. There's more to life than self-pleasure. There is also serving a purpose.
I just don't understand how some people can be satisfied without contributing to the good of all society. And it may sound like I'm talking about stuff that a superhero would do. But I'm not.
People all contribute a small bit to the mix. You don't have to be a celebrity. But everyone does something! It's just a good thing to continually think about what it is you are contributing- how are you being productive.
My bed here is so much more comfortable than the one at home. The one at home has an older, harder, mattress.

2008-11-27T10:15:00.000-08:00

This is Day 4 of being sick. Son of a bitch.

2008-11-25T16:00:00.001-08:00

Blogging is such a great way to get your thoughts together, especially if you're like me in that you don't think very verbally. It takes more mental effort for me to make my thoughts into words that I can express than it does for most people. Blogging helps me do this. So if someone asks me a common colloquial question like, "hey, Paul, how's college?" or "why are you wearing a Pikachu shirt?" I can tell that person with more ease and confidence because I had already made it into words once before.

On this blog is where I will be posting the material for my youtube series, "Paul's Weekly Random Thoughts." Starting soon, I will be making a short video of about 1 minute or less every day, and releasing a compilation of all of them at the end of each week. That's seven little parts per video. What's more, each day of the week will have a theme. It looks like this is what the list of themes is going to be:

Serious Sundays-- Where I share relatively less light-hearted monologue about life, philosophy, and life in general. I will try to confine the serious ideas to this day (and possibly Thursday...But that's it).
Mondays-- I don't know what to do with Mondays. Maybe a puzzle, game, or question to get the viewers to interact. I might also make this "musical Mondays."
Random-ass Tuesdays-- A completely random idea, straight from the cage of crazed rabid hamsters that is my brain.
One-liner Wednesdays (subject to change)-- One line or quote that is very brief...it can be a serious quote or a random statement.
Thought-provoking Thursdays-- where I share an idea, quote, or all-out puzzle to get the ol' noodle rollin'. That actually sounds gross out of context...
Fucked-up Fridays-- where I share something that is just totally stupid or wrong
Saluting Saturdays-- where I pimp out or recognize someone who does great things, whether a celebrity, a youtuber, or just someone in my everyday life.

I would start the series now but I feel like SHIT...actually I just realized that my sore throat is going away! HALLELUJAH!! Speaking of Hallelujah I'm teaching myself how to play that on the piano. It is one of THE most beautiful songs ever written. It's the version from the movie Shrek. But for now, time for dinner. My mom said she's making cheese tortellini XD.

I wrote this in my notebook on the bus home, then transcribed it

2008-11-25T15:55:00.001-08:00

I have never wanted a starman more in my life. We're stucking fuck. There must have been an accident, here between Paxton and Buckley. A 3-hour bus ride is quite possibly the last thing in my life I'd want to prolong. Usually, I do enjoy life on the road...but usually, when I'm on the road, I have the freedom of driving wherever I want.
I have gum in my mouth. I'm contemplating swallowing.
It's going to be awesome not having classes all week, next week. And seeing my dogs, and my mom. Having been at college for three months now, I'm a bit confused regarding what "home" is to me right now. It'll be a strange feeling going back to what I considered home undisputedly for the fifth through eighteenth years of my life.
Because I was bored, the first thing I thought of to do was to draw a map of the section of Illinois I would traverse during this bus ride home. Champaign, Rantoul, Paxton, Buckley, Onarga, Gilman, Ashkum, Clifton, Chebanse, Kankakee, Manteno, I-80. Oh my God, we're only now at Onarga. This bus isn't going to get to Woodridge until at least 9:15 at this rate (it's 7:30 now).
I really don't have much to do now, other than write in this notebook--oh, now we're at Gilman and US24. Oh damnit, he's hitting the brakes again....Phew, it wasn't for long.
Here's the reason why I bought my Pikachu t-shirt. It helps me discern the strong people from the weak people; the awesome people from the lemmings. (Now passing Ashkum.) If someone makes a snotty remark about the shirt, I know I'm dealing with a lemming who just follows what the crowd says is right. Yes, it is a little different. But why can't it be like a shirt with Looney Tunes, a Nickelodeon television show from the 90's, or some other pop-culture reference we remember from when we were kids? Did people seriously never get over the "Pokemon is gay" phase most people went through when they got through junior high?
These are exactly the people I refer to when I use the term "lemming"-- people who, because they are men, have to be "manly"-- people who, because they are in college, have to party and get wasted-- people who, because they are black, have to listen to hip-hop--people who, because they are retarded, have to listen to Souljaboy...okay, that last one was just a theory I made up...because I can't explain why ANYONE would listen to that!
Awesome, Kankakee now.
If you haven't noticed, these statements of what people "have to do" are all STEREOTYPES! These people, the ones I refer to as lemmings, are living their lives by stereotypes, preconceived notions of what they are "supposed to be". How weak is that? They're living their lives by other people's standards as opposed to the standards they create themselves! It's pathetic, and yet, there are so many people who are like this. They don't think for themselves and construct their own opinions; they live by others' thoughts and conceptions. These people also tend to be religious, too, because they can't construct their own collection of beliefs. They instead rely on a set of religious beliefs and a series of stereotypes. Here's what strength is: renouncing that. Renouncing being a lemming. And when people start talking about my Pikachu shirt in a non-negative fashion, I know I have a strong person. Someone who has their own opinions of what's right and what's wrong. Not some beliefs they picked up in junior high that "Pokemon is gay."

2008-11-11T21:33:00.000-08:00

What a day.
Chem quiz. I got owned.
Econ exam went okay.
Sketching quiz...I always do well on those.
I really want to finish off that song I wrote in my last entry.
Where's Dave when you need him.
Dave is my friend that I've jammed with. I hope to make it a lot more than a one-time thing.

Song I'm writing

2008-11-10T19:42:00.000-08:00

I've been in a few of these old houses in this old neighborhood
But only until then was when my outlooks on my days were good
My loss of faith confines me to the quarters where I feel I should
Remain, but boredom shoos me out the door

I give into its demands for fear of hearing reprimand
I feel the harshness of the cold upon my face and hands
My pessimism gives a silent "told you so" but then I stop and stand
I start to feel something more

As I'm walking down the street
I suddenly am struck; I meet
A house with pretty frames and open doors
I'm guided to the walkway
By a warm wind and a light ray
With a force from the spirit that is yours

You give me a window to look through so then I peer inside
I try to make sure what I'm doing won't be future suicide
My optimism tries to make me thing that it is on my side
When it has failed so many times before

Before, it's led me into darkened halls with marks and damage on the walls
Of memories and spirits chilling bones and making tantric calls
Dying to be removed from the scarred and damaged rooms and halls
But they are trapped within the haunted doors

But this house looks defying
Of the theory I've been trying
To dispose of, that there really is no use
I look around in gratitude
For this nice, newfound attitude
For you to thank for setting me loose

In fascination I begin to wander in the house to find
The spirit letting me inside, that's you, because you were so kind
I want to thank you for all that you've done to keep me from being confined
To where monotony rules all

As I walk among these halls I notice that I can't find any
Marks, visible damages, ghouls, or imprisoned memories
The beauty of the inside's even better than what I could see
It motivates me more to search these halls

I still cannot find you
But there's no way I'll decide to
Turn around and find my way outside the door

I'm relieved to have found
A spirit who's around
Who really bothers to become something more

These walls are damage-free and it provokes a thought to me
I wonder how this house could be so perfect and I think I see
Some people let the world muck up their lives and cut them like a tree
But some will choose to fix what's done them harm

Still searching for your spirit I trudge through doors up and down the stairs
In awe at how the inside's architecture doesn't seem to scare

More later!

2008-11-06T14:39:00.000-08:00

I am OLD.
Know how I can tell?
My birthday was just another day.
Go to school, no one gets you much (except my mom sent me some noodles gift cards and a shitload of cookies, thanks!!), and it's just a normal day. The only difference is having a lot of people write "happy birthday" on your facebook profile.
A shitload of people.
My favorite number in the world of people.
Thirty-seven.
Makes me feel like I have friends. HAHA. shya right.
Nothing's really been happening. Get up. Be tired. Go to school and be tired. Get back. Be tired. Procrastinate. Try to make self study. Go to bed. Repeat.

It's just like shampoo. Lather, rinse, repeat. Except instead of applying shampoo, you are applying stress.

Life is like a giant ass, because all you get out of it is shit.

I'm hungry. I think I'll use some of the FIFTY DOLLARS worth of gift cards my mom got me. Geez. I'm going to have to go there at least 6-7 times to use up all of that.

I like the place...but maybe not THAT much.

I might do a live broadcast for shiggles tonight.

My newest thing is going onto blogtv.com and broadcasting. I sort-of get to learn about people from all over the place. I'm talking to people from Ontario, England, California, Manitoba, Florida, and other places. I've developed some regulars- a number of them that I can count on my hands, but I hope I can get some more people to come out. And that's not limited to people I don't already know- you should come out too..

2008-10-23T21:51:00.000-07:00

Fuck, am I lucky.
I got up at 10:10 this morning. I slept through math on purpose, but I had chem discussion at 10 that I wanted to go to...mainly because of the quiz. That was an "OH SHIT" moment, to say the least. I jumped out of bed, put clothes on, and got my ass out the door. I hauled ass to the chem class to find the class without the TA. She was late. I got to class at 10:22 and we hadn't even started the quiz. I knew that she always does the quiz during the last part of class, and that the quizzes last 20 to 30 minutes. So I took the quiz once she passed it out at 10:30. And I finished in 15 minutes anyway. So I pwned the quiz, but I almost missed my chance to take it!
The reason is because I set my clock for 9PM instead of AM. I did that before and slept through a math quiz because of it. It's too fucking hard to tell if it's AM or PM on my clock. I think I'll just set it to army time from now on.
That's not all of the luck and stupidity that happened today, though. I forgot to bring my homework to my drafting/modeling class to turn in. I could easily have fixed that, though; I just had to turn it in into his mailbox before tomorrow morning. So I took care of that. But shit, man. What happened to me today?
I'm starting to make some friends at the elementary school. There's this one third grader that I'm always helping out. I talk to him and we say hi in the hallways.
The kindergarten class is so much more innocent and friendly. Most of the kids in the fifth grade class have a shitty attitude. It makes sense because they'll be in junior high the following year, and everyone's an idiot douchebag in junior high.
I went on blogtv today. The turnout was terrible, but a bunch of my RL friends came up to help me broadcast...? Steve, Tiernan, Dave, Bill, and Harshith all came in at some point. It was insane. I wish more people would find my show. I need more regulars.
I found some old videos of the hypnotist show senior year at IMSA. It was hilarious. I also found some other videos of living in the quad, like when Chris got high off of helium and exclaimed, "Holy Fuck!"

Going to bed now. I'm so glad I don't have chem lab tomorrow.

2008-10-15T17:19:00.001-07:00

Hmm.
So Winnie has posted a little somthing on her xanga about missing IMSA.
I don't know if I miss it all that much.
I missed some on the people a LOT. Actually, most of the missing I did was in May and early June, when it hit me that I wouldn't be seeing these people together again. Ever. This community. I knew exactly what I would have said as graduation speaker, but I wasn't nominated. Look back into late May and June in this blog. That will prove it.
(Side note: Typing is really annoying when your "V" key has broken off.)
I am more observant than most people. I know this. And because of this, I realized that the IMSA community would dissolve earlier than most people. And I started to miss the community, even before the dissolution: Graduation 2008. I loved the small community feeling. Not this big-ass city feeling of the University of Illinois with its 40,000 people. I have to walk for 10 to 15 minutes to get to my classes now. Hell, it's enough that there are MULTIPLE BUILDINGS which hold classes.
I'm not even that well in touch with the people I knew from IMSA. In this busy world, all we can really do is be friends with the people around you, in your immediate situation, for the most part. That is, except for on weekends.
All I can do is make my OWN small community. And I'm developing one, here on the higher floors of Hendrick House. We've got a group of *counts* 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 rooms that are mostly intertwined. At least there are about 15-20 other people that I hang out with on the top floors here. And there are still many more that I talk to. Outside of Hendrick House, I don't have many friends, though-- besides my high school friends, of course. I talk to a few people who live in the Champaign residence halls (6-pack), and that's it.
Since I've done most of the missing of IMSA people in May and June, I'm actually pretty okay with being tens to thousands of miles from IMSA people. And with my new webcam, I can chat with some of them. I've talked to Macy via webcam at least 4 times by now, and he's in Florida. He's pretty much my best friend from IMSA. He's definitely my best friend who's in a different state.
It's rainy and windy. I can hear the wind whistling.
I've been REALLY fucking tired. I don't know what it is. I've been getting 9 to 10 hours of sleep every night since Saturday night. *shrugs*
I just have to accept that I'm going to have only breaks to see my friends from far away.
I'll go see my IMSA friends. But first I have to study calculus.
I've consistently had one mid-term EVERY week since September 18. Isn't that insane how evenly it's been spread out? It holds true until this week. I don't know if I have any tests next week.
Lately, I've been working on learning Viva la Vida (thanks Coldplay for making a song title with lots of V's in it when my V key is broken!) on the piano. I've been really successful doing so- that's going on youtube.
My grandma died on September 21. I never was close to any of my extended family, my mom's side having been mostly dead since I was born and my dad's side being just plain strange. So it wasn't as big of a deal as it could have been. Still, I've decided to go to the service, and it's this weekend. The thing is, it's in Michigan-- the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. So I have to be driven three hours north to home, and then another 7 hours north to the service...and then back again. I've been in a bit of a road trip-withdrawal, so that's good.
The guys next door are douchetacular. And by guys, I mean just one guy. The other one just seems like a douche, but he's actually a good guy on the inside. He just puts on heirs like he's a douche because he thinks it's...cool? He isn't himself, and I don't like it. But I like himself...just not him so much.
I didn't think that alcohol would be so omnipotent here at college. But it is. The douche next door has been vomiting in our toilet at least twice. I don't understand how you would willingly get drunk enough to poison yourself.
I see drinking and doing drugs as cheating at life. If you can't get pleasure in any way other than altering your reality, you aren't doing it right. The words "failing at life" come to mind.
I've got to study for that calculus exam Friday. I have a chem lab that day, too. Chem labs are so tedious. Fuuuuuuck.
And Jones soda ROCKS!
Pure cane sugar KEEPS ME GOING!
FUCK HIGH-FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP!
THE RIZZLE DIZZLE Y'ALL!
(I am not a sellout.)

2008-09-22T11:38:00.000-07:00

Paul needs some ideas...he wants to make better youtube videos. Ones that require more work...which inherently means that I would take more time to come out with new videos, but hey, you know. Quality is better than quantity.

FUCK YEAH
sorry about that.

Actually yesterday was a total shit day. My grandma died.

...
Yeah.

*deep breath*
That's not even all of it.
The first thing that happened was that I got on the 20 red to go to the Meijer in Urbana to get some food. In the middle of the route, the bus driver turned around and started heading back toward the University. What a waste of time that was. I was talking to some somewhat-ghetto dude on the bus, telling me about how he found out some "bad news" about someone he was "dating." WOW.
Then I ended up in the EWS for three and a half hours trying to figure out how to do something in AutoCAD that I conceive to be ridiculously simple but requires a crapload of steps: Cutting holes into solid objects. Mother fuck.
This is in addition to the two hours I spent in class trying to finish the assignment.
Yesterday could have been the shittiest day since at least the first week of April. That's five months.
Off to listen to a chem lecture I don't want to hear.

2008-09-18T20:10:00.001-07:00

2008-09-09T19:05:00.000-07:00

Look at my youtube favorites for my current personal fads!
Especially:
-Business Time by Flight of the Conchords
-United States of WHATEVA

2008-09-07T14:25:00.002-07:00

With regard to the new video...

Hurricane Gustav manages to dump 2 inches of rain...on ILLINOIS?

McCain has a new running mate...who HAS A VAGINA.

Watch the video to learn more and try to endeavor to explain what got into McCain's head when he chose Sarah Palin for VP candidate.

Video #2

2008-09-07T14:25:00.001-07:00

2008-09-06T21:38:00.000-07:00

So now that I'm settled in at college pretty well, I can move back to talking about pertinent stuff other than this new college situation.

So the Krannert Center parking garage is the BEST place to play capture the flag EVER. Not even the best video game designers can come up with an environment this good.
I'm saying this because a bunch of people from Hendrick House all got together to play capture the flag there and it was AWESOME...except for the fact that there were so many people on the other team puppy-guarding that we couldn't get anywhere, but hey, that still leaves 99% awesomeness.

What the fuck was McCain thinking? Sarah Palin? I think we all know that the only reason she was picked is because she has a vagina, so McCain can "make history." Is THAT what's really important though? What about the welfare of our nation? Does he care at all?

His picking Palin for VP candidate is SOLID proof that he wants to get elected more than he wants someone qualified to help lead this country. Greedy much? I was more like 70% in favor for Obama before...now it's definitely somewhere in the nineties.

My next video is going to feature this, and the basic idea of that is, who tf is Palin, and why tf is politics heading straight for the shitter?

Hendrick House's dinner hours end at 6 on weekends...and I found this out the hard way today.
Are you fucking kidding. Most people don't even BEGIN to eat dinner until after 6.
Who came up with these?
I'm starting to go to the HH government meetings. I've already found three things that need to change, the dinner hours being the first.
The second is the fucking construction that goes on at 6AM. I thought that this place was supposed to have a strict noise policy?
And the third is the music room. I can never get in there.
Another gripe I have are about the staff in general. They're all lemmings. They do what they are told and nothing else, and that bugs the hell out of me. The one dude wouldn't let me in the music room because he didn't know if he was supposed to, when there was no apparent reason why he wouldn't be able to. I arrived at dinner at 5:58 when it closes at 6:00, and the door was closed and the girl wouldn't let me in. I was one of about seven people at the door trying to get in.
And then, she said it.
The phrase that pisses me off SO much.
"I don't make the rules, I just enforce them."
That means that she was incapable of deviating from what she was told to do, even if what she was doing was wrong. If she was a German in 1939, she probably would have agreed to go along with the Nazis.
She could have said instead, "I'm not the boss, I'm just a lackey."
An incompetent lackey, too. She closed the door 5 minutes early. I wasn't the only one telling her, either.

There are two ways to go about this. Either you follow policies with no exceptions, or you use your brain to find a possible solution.
I guess some don't have a lot of brain activity.

Today I played rollercoaster tycoon and jammed with Harshith, my roommate. It was pretty cool. The jamming, not the gaming. The gaming hurt my eyes. Damn, that game is addicting.

I need to rest my eyes. And the rest of my body, for that matter. I have a sore throat and my nose is producing snot bombs. My nose is fine, now. But every hour or two, an amount of stuff with the volume of a small grape comes out. Ew, enough of that!

Good night!

2008-09-03T08:44:00.000-07:00

Click here

2008-08-31T23:30:00.000-07:00

WTF? I'M HOME? DID I BAIL OUT OF COLLEGE ALREADY?

Naw, haha. I don't even want to leave college for a weekend. But I promised my mommy that I would come home, so here I am.

The Labor Dabor is today. Whoopdeedoo. Who really cares about anything about Labor Day other than getting off of work?

The big surprise is coming...it'll be here by Wednesday. It really isn't that big of a deal.

I need sleep now, though. As Skitz says, payce.

KATRINA: ROUND TWO??

2008-08-30T19:23:00.001-07:00

In case you don't watch the Weather Channel (like most people don't), there's another hurricane out there. It's headed straight for Louisiana. And it's a high Category 4, which is fucking STRONG already...and it's projected to strengthen. Katrina was a Category 3, and look what it did.
They just started rebuilding after Katrina, which was devastating. But there's a pretty good probability that Gustav will be just like Katrina, but STRONGER. Yeah...if you live in coastal Louisiana, Mississippi, or southeast Texas, you need to get the hell out of there.
I wonder if this is Mother Nature's way of saying, "this is what you dumbasses get for building a city BELOW sea level."
This really isn't fair, though. Two major hurricanes within four years? What the fuck?
Katrina hit Louisiana on August 25th, 2005. Gustav is expected to make landfall on Monday, during the early afternoon. That's September 1st, one week after August 25. Sources put the point of landfall about 80 miles southwest of New Orleans. Hurricanes are storms that cover a large amount of area, though. New Orleans will face at LEAST minimal hurricane-force winds, probably at least the winds of a direct-hit Category 2-3 storm.
What is it with Louisiana, Mother Nature?
Geez.

2008-08-29T21:43:00.000-07:00

Oswego to UIUC:

IL71 W to IL47 S to I-74 E to Lincoln Ave S

Plainfield Rd S to Woolley Rd E to Stewart Rd S to Scotch Rd/111th St/Hassert Blvd E to Weber Rd S to I-55 NE to I-355 S to I-80 E to I-57 S to I-74 E to Lincoln Ave S

East-west highways crossed that make for nice checkpoints:
I-80
IL17
IL116
US24
IL9
US136

Effective swearing

2008-08-26T20:46:00.000-07:00

The surprise is coming soon.

I have to say, I have quite a lot of appreciation for Obama's "I am not a douchebag" campaign
Though I also have to say that people seem to have mixed feelings about choosing Biden as a running mate
Because Biden....might actually add some douchebaggery to the mix
Already I'm seeing ads from the McCain campaign denigrating Barack Obama
Why can't elections be races where each candidate tries to do the best he can and not shit on the other guy?
People are saying that Biden might show aggression toward McCain when Obama's lack of aggression might be a major thing that is pushing him forward
If you've been following Philip DeFranco's show...
you know, SXE Phil?
you might have noticed that for some reason the latest video, which includes the question about when two girls kiss, has disappeared
I managed to find it but I've found that it has been made private
I don't know what happened, maybe he got a lot of shitty feedback from it
It's possible, I guess, but hey I really liked it- that was a good question because I find it questionable myself
I don't really appeal to girls who are so big of attention whores that they would be willing to do that
If they were lesbians, I would understand it....or pornstars...or real-life women who wanted to achieve the same effect that pornstars do...I think the technical term for that is SLUTS
I'd just like to say that phil's show is the bomb; if you haven't seen it, do so because he reports the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. And that's the truth. truth, truth..
The stories are interesting, and he's not afraid to put it into a real context
It seems to me that more people are turning to sources like Phil, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert because it's MORE ENTERTAINING and it's NOT JAM-PACKED WITH BULLSHIT
Well, it is jam packed with bullshit but it's the RIGHT KIND OF BULLSHIT
it's the kind of bullshit that knows it's bullshit, and that's a compliment all-around because they make jokes about it and talk about the ridiculous stuff as IF it is actually ridiculous
They know what's fucked up about the world and they report it in a manner such that everyone knows it's fucked up.
Mainstream media tends not to report the fucked-up stuff
But America needs to know the good AND the bad about the world
Censorship is, might I say, TOTAL SHIT
Well I mean I don't support 4-year olds yelling FUCK everywhere
Then again, I don't support 12-year olds doing it either
And BELIEVE me the kids who just start middle school are ALWAYS saying cuss words just so they can assert the fact
They will yell "Dildo dildo" just as a two year old might yell "cookie cookie" now that it learned a new word, and I am not making this up it REALLY HAPPENS
It's OKAY to swear in the right situations.
If you are pissed, frustrated, or in pain then SWEAR, goddamnit! It's pissing ME off to see all the people who will just say things like "ohhhh, poopy."
Because it SEEMS that nothing bad ever happens to these people
Either that or they have no emotions
That is your fact of like #7- It's okay to swear in the right situations
And there are guidelines for these situations
1. It has to be an informal situation. You don't yell fuck if you're in a job interview
2. If you are a guy, you can do it when you talk to other guys...unless they are pansies but if you are talking to a girl, it's not a good idea. If you are a girl, you either think I'm a douche for even TALKING about this and you might as well stop watching this NOW or you're one of those girls who doesn't care and I personally think is awesome, and you can follow the guy directions. When you're talking to the softer people, though, don't swear unless your emotions are in a crappy state, unless you are talking to someone with such a low level of sophistication that he had might as well ride a Harley-Davidson
Did I say that out loud?
3. Don't do it all the time. Cuss words draw attention to the subject of which you are speaking, and there won't be any added severity if you use one of the words in every sentence. It's like the Boy who Cried Wolf....or the Boy who Yelled Fuck all the Time. The truth is that swear words are used to draw attention to whatever struggle or problem you're having that would lead you to swear in the first place...and if you're always drawing attention then people won't give you anymore attention AND they won't care.
I mean think about it.
If your friend has NEVER heard you swear, and then something REALLY bad happens and you yell "SHIT" that would scare the shit out of that person!
I like to be like that, but not to that much of an extreme. There's no shock to swearing if you do it all the time.

Paul goes to college

2008-08-26T17:15:00.000-07:00

I haven't written about college yet! And I've been here for like five days! WTF?

I'll tell you wtf. It's a surprise. I'll tell everyone soon.
Keep posted.

2008-08-20T22:00:00.000-07:00

dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun
STAY TUNED FOR ALL OF THE ACTION-PACKED COVERAGE DURING OUR SPECIAL SEGMENT:
PAUL GOES TO COLLEGE.
GET ALL OF THE INFORMATION YOU NEED FOR THE KICKOFF OF THE 08-09 SCHOOL YEAR.
ONLY ON CHANNEL PAUL NEWS.
AMERICA'S ONLY NEWS STATION COVERING THE LIFE OF THAT ONE TALL WHITE KID.
STAY TUNED!

Packing for College

2008-08-20T12:35:00.000-07:00

Today I'm just packing for college and running last-minute errands because I'm moving in tomorrow. I really can't picture myself living there right now. But I'm sure that will clear up in the weeks to come.
It'll be nice to go to school, if my classes aren't as excruciating and time-consuming as I dread they might be.
Yesterday, I went to Chicago with Zexi, Steven, Joey, and Jake. Wei was there for dinner too. We went to this fancy Brazilian steakhouse where these waiter dudes walked around with cuts of meat. There was a little chip at everyone's seat; one side said "Yes, please" and the other said "no thank you." If you left the "yes" side facing up, the waiters would come to your seat and offer to slice you off a chunk of meat. They had sirloin, pork, garlic steak, brazilian beef, pineapple, and filet mignon wrapped in bacon. The bacon kind of annihilated any flavor that the filet had, so I took the bacon off of the filet so I could eat them separately. I ate so much that I was full for the rest of the day and them some. All I've had to eat since then was a few cookies.
After the steakhouse (it cost about $25 but I ate so much that it was worth it), we walked to Navy Pier and rented a quadricycle. It was like a bicycle, but there were two rows of seats and two sets of pedals for each row. Wei had left (he kind of just oddly disappeared) and it was the five of us. Steven was in the middle. I plan on making a youtube video of the experience because I was taking video for much of the time. There's definitely reason to make a video out of it, too, because it was a BLAST!

Then I went to IMSA and visited some of the suckers who had to start school already. I might want one of those webcams, Chris. Just putting it out there.
I'm not going to miss that place at all. We'll see if college turns out to be a better story =].

2008-08-18T10:30:00.000-07:00

Here are my plans:

Monday: Go shopping for clothes, a fridge, and a t-shirt kit. I think that making shirts would be a cool thing to do at college. I could maybe meet some people too!

Tuesday: Go back to IMSA and visit my Junior/now Senior friends!

Wednesday: Pack.

Thursday: Move into U of I! This is the day when the shit hits the fan.

Friday: Meet some people. I have to decide whether or not I want to be in band or not, because auditions are on this day. I think I might lay off on band until Sophomore year. I don't want to overload myself.